tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post1864315979325194538..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Holiday Critiques #6BookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-2168208831833706692009-01-09T22:12:00.000-05:002009-01-09T22:12:00.000-05:00I know I am very late to this, but I had a crisis ...I know I am very late to this, but I had a crisis over the holiday and am just getting back to normal.<BR/><BR/>Thank you, Jessica, for taking the time to look at mine (and all of them!). I knew it was long, but it's hard to figure out what to cut. The story is as much about her relationship with her falling apart family as about the diabetes, so they both seemed important.<BR/><BR/>It's easy to look at other queries and say, "Yeah, but we don't care about that, we only care about this." Much harder to do on my own!<BR/><BR/>I have revised and cut out more than half, and kept the kicker line, which is my favorite too.<BR/><BR/>While I am so thankful to have your set of eyes look over mine in particular, I do learn from every one you do, so thanks again.Heidi Willishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18420802651029097379noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-81089583700469842092009-01-03T15:55:00.000-05:002009-01-03T15:55:00.000-05:00Ms. kitty -- As was stated by a different Anon a f...Ms. kitty -- <BR/><BR/>As was stated by a different Anon a few posts up, if you want Jessica to consider your pitch you have to post it in the original query post. There is a link to it on THIS Original Post, marked Original Post.<BR/><BR/>Also, for people that are complaining because a commentor's words might hurt their feelings, go on Queryshark.blogspot.com. Read some of those query posts and the comment trail. I dare you. Trust me, you won't be crying about these anymore.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-73660430213181052332009-01-03T14:39:00.000-05:002009-01-03T14:39:00.000-05:00Happy New Year!Thank you so much for your generosi...Happy New Year!<BR/>Thank you so much for your generosity.<BR/><BR/>Middle aged, and in denial of a severe depression with post traumatic stress disorder diagnosis, Nyima tries to dodge the dark cloud that has followed her from the East Coast to the West. Homeless again, she holds up in a motel retracing her experiences in California as she tries to restore stability. Up until now her faith in God has kept her from taking desperate measures, but now her faith is losing ground fast as she contemplates whether to push forward or step back. Meanwhile she’s haunted by previews of a recurrent nightmare threatening the reawakening of her repressed past. <BR/><BR/>Woman’s Fiction - 85,814 wordsAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04653557954143278101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-64462996902542008812009-01-03T13:03:00.000-05:002009-01-03T13:03:00.000-05:00Sherrah's pitch worked for me pretty darn well. I...Sherrah's pitch worked for me pretty darn well. I can see that as back cover copy with some tightening.<BR/><BR/>Examples - "jock football coach" is redundant, "has leukemia and is dying" seems redundant, in fact the entire second paragraph is an echo of the first with specifics added. Perhaps putting Riley into the first paragraph, instead of "you", might ground those generalities better. Also, the generatities that aren't actually important to the book (smell of father's hug etc) might be better left out for something specific and relevant.Dal Jeanishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03652296391869599080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-37570876737712357012009-01-03T09:46:00.000-05:002009-01-03T09:46:00.000-05:00Hi, Kristan. I write my query letter and synopsis ...Hi, Kristan. I write my query letter and synopsis all while I'm writing my story. It seems to work a lot better for me than to try to think of a way to sum up a 100K book at once. <BR/><BR/>Sometimes in writing the pitch, something will come to mind that needs to be fleshed out in the story. Often the ground work for whatever idea came to me is already there, I just need to make it stronger throughout the story.Keri Fordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03342480359177235075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-37405066062491121182009-01-02T18:33:00.000-05:002009-01-02T18:33:00.000-05:00Sorry, the word is paragraph, not paragragh:)Sorry, the word is paragraph, not paragragh:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-9612782259661824352009-01-02T18:28:00.000-05:002009-01-02T18:28:00.000-05:00Hi James,If you want Jessica to consider your Pitc...Hi James,<BR/><BR/>If you want Jessica to consider your Pitch, you need to post it in the original pitch thread. It might help to read her previous posts so that you see what I write is true. Also, a pitch is one paragragh long (as per Jessica's original post on this random critique session)<BR/>You're in the right place to learn about queries, pitches, and the publishing industry. My best to you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-88517404020227066702009-01-02T10:37:00.000-05:002009-01-02T10:37:00.000-05:00Below is my submission. It begins with dialogue, w...Below is my submission. It begins with dialogue, which someone once said is not a good way to start a story, but it seems to be the best way to bring the reader into both characters. I would be interested to see what you think as I am considering blogging about how to start stories (http://www.redroom.com/blog/james-buchanan):<BR/><BR/>“Cam I’m sorry, but I’m back in that place again. I don’t know why, but I am so confused about us. I love you, I really do, but I just don’t think I can do this. Do you think we were maybe meant to be friends?” <BR/>Cam stops massaging Anne’s knee and stares for a moment at his hand. He can see the craggy lines of age developing in the back of his hand. In the crease between his thumb and pointer finger there is a mole that looks something like a liver spot. “Years of drinking?” he wonders to himself. He is not old yet. At 40 he is considered to be in middle age, but he notices his slight slide toward aging. He does not rebound in the morning after a late night like he used to, his stomach sags a bit more, his eyes always look tired and his hair grows a bit greyer with each month. His hands no longer seem as strong as they once did. Perhaps this is because he no longer works with them, but it is one gentler reminder that he is no longer a young man.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Best,<BR/>James Buchanan<BR/>www.orchardwriting.comAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-88870941805816654612009-01-02T08:13:00.000-05:002009-01-02T08:13:00.000-05:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.DANIELBLOOMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05130493903696077379noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-2478777599886719302009-01-01T09:21:00.000-05:002009-01-01T09:21:00.000-05:00Wow, hard at work even over the holidays and new y...Wow, hard at work even over the holidays and new year! Thanks so much.<BR/><BR/>Out of curiosity, do you have any thoughts or insight about WHEN to do the pitch and/or query letter? Someone here mentioned that in writing their pitch they realized they needed to rewrite some of their story, and I wonder if that's common. (Seems like it could be.) If so, should an author start with a pitch/query and use that as sort of a reality-check when they're writing? (Like, "Hey dummy, THIS is what your book is about. Don't forget it!")Kristanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04771013578685419826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-23949945574784154442008-12-31T18:56:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:56:00.000-05:00Anita-- I see nothing here worthy of a voodoo dol...Anita-- I see nothing here worthy of a voodoo doll. I save those for editors that reject my book(s).<BR/>:)<BR/><BR/>Happy New Year. May this be the year we all get a book deal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-21801283247313778442008-12-31T18:48:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:48:00.000-05:00Last Anon:I don't have a problem with Anons. I was...Last Anon:<BR/><BR/>I don't have a problem with Anons. I was just wanting the other Anon to know which comments I posted, so if she/he had a problem with what I said, she'd know what the voodoo doll should look like.Anitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06333494452915600562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-85140612479330272342008-12-31T18:39:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:39:00.000-05:00I post as Anon because I don't have a blog. If I u...I post as Anon because I don't have a blog. If I used my real name and you googled me you'd get a list of 1,000 same-named people and would have no idea which was me anyway...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-68721267630496086522008-12-31T18:32:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:32:00.000-05:00Anon:Here's what Jessica said in Holiday Critique ...Anon:<BR/><BR/>Here's what Jessica said in Holiday Critique #4:<BR/><BR/>"I also look forward to hearing from readers your thoughts on some of the critiques I'm pitching."<BR/><BR/>Maybe I took that too far??? I apologize, if I hurt anyone's feelings. I also post as myself, not an Anon.Anitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06333494452915600562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-88636235927417752212008-12-31T18:29:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:29:00.000-05:00Anon 5:59, I'm the Anon that offered comments on t...Anon 5:59, I'm the Anon that offered comments on two of today's entries. I think offering advice on what are clearly sentence fragments, and in one case telling someone to delete a paragraph so the pitch actually gets read past the first sentence, are actually good, solid pieces of advice. <BR/><BR/>I entered too. I hope to heaven that Jessica and anyone else who sees fit will tear the heck out of my entry if it gets critiqued. I'd sure want to know, after spending a year writing a book, if I had ANY issues -- grammar, no stated plot, run-on sentences, characters with no arc, whatever... (The basis for all critiques is that if info is offered that you do not agree with, simply disregard it.) <BR/><BR/>This was your quote: <BR/>"... Rather than offering constructive criticism or, heaven forbid, support to those who've exposed not only themselves but their words to the public, they choose to comment on what's wrong. Or mock them for it..."<BR/><BR/>I truly see no one being mocked. And choosing to comment on what is wrong is the entire reason people signed up for the critique, is it not? <BR/><BR/>You stated: "...writing's less about the words (or grammar) than how those words are put together..." <BR/><BR/>I agree that good storytelling is a must. However, if an agent easily spots basic grammatical errors in a two paragraph pitch, or worse, reads a pitch and has no idea what the plot is, that agent isn't going to have confidence in that writer's ability to tell the story. Great concepts have to be backed up with good writing.<BR/><BR/>If something of yours got critiqued and it hurt your feelings, then I apologize. But understand, many of us would kill for this chance to get critiqued; the harsher the better. Better to have it done here than to get form rejects and never know why.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-12560402094145168492008-12-31T18:28:00.000-05:002008-12-31T18:28:00.000-05:00Anon:You must have missed Jessica's request for fo...Anon:<BR/><BR/>You must have missed Jessica's request for folks to offer their two cents. Otherwise, I would never have done it. And when I have offered input, I've tried to be very nice about it---God knows that I'm not an expert.<BR/><BR/>I can understand how you'd think we were all a bunch of nuts, if you hadn't seen the request.Anitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06333494452915600562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-52300840278459588412008-12-31T17:59:00.000-05:002008-12-31T17:59:00.000-05:00Jessica,While I admit I'm a wannabe published auth...Jessica,<BR/><BR/>While I admit I'm a wannabe published author, I'm amazed at how so many of your readers (and those at other blogs as well) feel so free to offer advice. Mostly about what's wrong with what others submit.<BR/><BR/>It seems they are competing with you to 'critique' the submission. Often pointing out the smallest grammatical error that you didn't. As if you missed it! Often ignoring story, plot, or saleability, which you don't.<BR/><BR/>Rather than offering constructive criticism or, heaven forbid, support to those who've exposed not only themselves but their words to the public, they choose to comment on what's wrong. Or mock them for a it.<BR/><BR/>What their purpose is for doing this, I do not know. At first glance I can not help but think it's to show their superior knowledge of the subject. Of course it might just be to tear down those who're doing what they can not. Maybe, and I find this hard to believe, they don't even realize how hurtful their 'wisdom' is.<BR/><BR/>Regardless, we all know that writing's less about the words (or grammar) than how those words are put together. That's what makes the readers buy the books and stories live forever.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-92014437379779029522008-12-31T16:36:00.000-05:002008-12-31T16:36:00.000-05:00Thanks for another round of critiques, Jessica. Wh...Thanks for another round of critiques, Jessica. <BR/><BR/>What I learned from this exercise is to let my voice show through even though it's a business letter. I always took from my synopsis (which I'd been told was the only time you could tell rather than show) thus the stiff boring query. But no more. 2009 will be my year for not repressing my true voice. Yay!<BR/><BR/>Happy New Year everyone!Robena Granthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18389730409379890816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-16686727505734053562008-12-31T15:30:00.000-05:002008-12-31T15:30:00.000-05:00Hey, Linda. I believe the rule (ah, guideline? sug...Hey, Linda. I believe the rule (ah, guideline? suggestion?) is to pitch only book 1 in your query. Good luck!<BR/><BR/><BR/>And thanks so much, Jessica! They've all been so interesting to read your thoughts on.Keri Fordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03342480359177235075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-13084738781579681912008-12-31T13:54:00.000-05:002008-12-31T13:54:00.000-05:00Oh wow, I get on here and see my pitch has been cr...Oh wow, I get on here and see my pitch has been crittered. I knew it wasn't interesting enough but I just couldn't figure out what to do to help it out. I've never been good with pitches, but your advice and that of Anon 10:23 has really, really helped. I think my problem with this pitch was that I didn't know how much to write. That book is the first of five books and I kept thinking how much of the series should remain a mystery cause that particular bit of info won't show up until book 2 or 3 or whatever. But I can see that I'm definitely gonna have to put more info in there. <BR/><BR/>Thanks so much! And Happy New Year. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-23626088614730805522008-12-31T11:04:00.000-05:002008-12-31T11:04:00.000-05:00You're invaluable, Jessica. Thank you!You're invaluable, Jessica. Thank you!Anna Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08774415814789806840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-69125775763145139912008-12-31T10:43:00.000-05:002008-12-31T10:43:00.000-05:00I know you've been thanked over and over, but I wa...I know you've been thanked over and over, but I wanted to add my two cents. Thanks for putting this together and showing us how to write a great pitch! (I think mine is more of a tag - darn.) <BR/>I can see now what I need to change and what an agent looks at...invaluable =) Thanks again, have a great New Year!Carolyn V.https://www.blogger.com/profile/15456210036213016603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-53084577655857239912008-12-31T10:41:00.000-05:002008-12-31T10:41:00.000-05:00Happy New Year!Happy New Year!Jill Wheelerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15059527254551768150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-54555247897794749172008-12-31T10:34:00.000-05:002008-12-31T10:34:00.000-05:00These are all great examples of how to tackle the ...These are all great examples of how to tackle the too many words, not enough story problem. Thanks for the insight, Jessica.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-34256196172990073422008-12-31T10:23:00.000-05:002008-12-31T10:23:00.000-05:00Re: Linda Hall'sThese first three sentences are fr...Re: Linda Hall's<BR/><BR/>These first three sentences are fragments, on purpose, I think. But they are jarring and need to be reworked.<BR/><BR/>Example: "...Nephilim, an ancient Biblical race. Children born of the union between the Fallen Ones and the Daughters of Man...."<BR/><BR/>Try instead: In the ancient Biblical race of Nephilim, children born of the union between the Fallen Ones and the daughters of man... DO WHAT HERE?..."<BR/><BR/>Example: "...Pandora, half-demon, half-human; born to be bad, but desperate to be good." <BR/><BR/>Try instead: Pandora, A half-demon, half-human IS designed to be bad, but wants to be good.<BR/><BR/>Being "designed to be bad" but "wanting to be good" is an excellent conflict, and I'm assuming from the pitch it is the driving force of the book's plot. However, then in the next paragraph, instead of listing the actual plot points of how this conflict is furthered -- what are the specific instances of the plot in which she TRIES goodness and fails -- you start talking about Grimoran and if she can trust him or not. <BR/><BR/>It's unclear why she NEEDS to trust him? How is that essential to her succeeding in (what I'm assuming is your plot?) to be good instead of bad?<BR/><BR/>If the plot isn't about overcoming her own "badness" and being good, then obviously I'm way offf base. But my point is, from this pitch, I have no idea what your plot is or why this chick needs to trust the Grim guy in the first place. <BR/><BR/>A very generic pitch template I use is -- Main Character wants X. Y and Z stand in her way. If she can just R, she might win. But if G happens, she won't get X and even worse, might lose P too.<BR/><BR/>...Pandora wants to be good and she can if she can just X. But when she encounters Y and Z she fails miserably. Joined by R (the Grim guy, maybe?) she has a chance to redo Z, but if G happens (Grim guy is her enemy, not helper) she'll never get X (goal of goodness), and worse, she might lose P, too (her life).<BR/><BR/>Hope that makes some kind of sense.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com