tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post2005020354540578404..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Pitch Critiques Round 14BookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-56592645801986893052007-12-28T00:57:00.000-05:002007-12-28T00:57:00.000-05:00Jessica, Thank you for your comments about my entr...Jessica, Thank you for your comments about my entry (#79), and thank you to the others who commented as well. Obviously, my opening line was a complete misfire. Let me hasten to say that the waitress in question is not "mentally challenged" in the literal sense. She is, as one person suggested, merely ditzy and inconsiderate of others' feelings, as is readily apparent in the opening pages of the book. <BR/><BR/>In describing her as "mentally challenged," I was attempting in a somewhat irreverent fashion, to contrast her with Becky the protagonist, who is an intelligent, interesting and considerate woman, one who would never stoop to poaching another woman's husband. Obviously, my choice of words was inappropriate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-8366673953850109322007-12-21T10:50:00.000-05:002007-12-21T10:50:00.000-05:00Thanks Jessica for your critique. It was kinder th...Thanks Jessica for your critique. It was kinder than what was deserved. I threw it together in a few minutes thinking I was just making a deadline & hit the send button (then cringed the next day when I read it). Won't do that again. I also had a bad case of tunnel vision and only focused on one small part of the story. It is YA, the story is about a 4 friends & their summer adventures in my haunted hometown of St Augustine Florida. Thanks also Merry, for being so gracious in coming to my rescue. Hope everyone has a great Christmas. I'm taking the week to do nothing but write (& begin working on my real pitch). Y'all are awesome.David Ebrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037059701518103541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-81122486772380424592007-12-21T07:54:00.000-05:002007-12-21T07:54:00.000-05:00Thanks, JJ, good advice. I will check that out. ...Thanks, JJ, good advice. I will check that out. Behold the power of blog. These critiques and suggestions are wonderful.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-8490591897201163362007-12-21T07:49:00.000-05:002007-12-21T07:49:00.000-05:00Kate, that's a good idea. I'm going to try that. ...Kate, that's a good idea. I'm going to try that. It might also help to read what I am posting before I hit send. Obviously, there is a missing to in my comment.<BR/><BR/>That idea is actually gold since I plan to go to some conferences next year.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-91880274894393874082007-12-21T02:30:00.000-05:002007-12-21T02:30:00.000-05:00...but I am still lost as a goose in a snowstorm a...<I>...but I am still lost as a goose in a snowstorm about how pitch my work.</I><BR/><BR/>Think about the events that draw a reader into the story in the first place: the book's inciting incident, and all the things that either increase the stakes, acerbate the conflicts, or deepen the mystery.<BR/><BR/>Those are the things to concentrate on in your pitch. You haven't got space to outline the whole plot, so just concentrate on the story's build-up. <BR/><BR/>(I've got a blog post linked in my sidebar that goes into this in more detail, if you want to click on my name. :-) )jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-68534838090977887512007-12-21T00:22:00.000-05:002007-12-21T00:22:00.000-05:00Julie wrote: I am still lost as a goose in a snow...Julie wrote: I am still lost as a goose in a snowstorm about how pitch my work. <BR/><BR/>There's a trick I learned ages ago. I started out my "writing career" writing commercials for radio--they had to be exactly 30 or 60 seconds long, depending on the spot. I would watch the second hand on the clock (this was LONG before digital!) and see if I could get all the basic points in order verbally before writing the spot. It worked really well.<BR/><BR/>Try setting a timer for thirty seconds and "tell" an imaginary someone what your story is about. It's amazing what the brain will do when given a time frame to work within. You might find that you automatically distill your work down to its most important parts. (and use a recorder, if you've got one, just in case you do stumble upon the perfect pitch!)Kate Douglashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05486916548114546095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-80803707489338641812007-12-20T21:47:00.000-05:002007-12-20T21:47:00.000-05:00Thanks for continuing to do these. It continues t...Thanks for continuing to do these. It continues to be a good learning process.<BR/><BR/>#77 wouldn't interest me, but that's a personal opinion. I agree the wording is awkward. I am curious as to what genre it is. As a YA, it might have broad appeal.<BR/><BR/>#78 I don't like opening with a question, but again, personal preference. Also, a baby killer would not stir any sympathy with me. <BR/><BR/>JLT Same comments as everyone else. I am hoping the waitress isn't actually mentally challenged. I don't see how she could be handicapped if she's a cocktail waitress as that job requires a good memory, quick thinking and a sparkling personality, normally. The ending is interesting. Plots gone wrong are always fun.<BR/><BR/>#80 This appeals to me even though it needs to be tightened. I see a lot of promise with this work. I would definitely read it if the book read well.<BR/><BR/>I always read jacket hype, first few pages and then a few random pages of a book by someone I'm not familiar with. So, given my haphazard test reading, the writing has to appeal as well as the premise.<BR/><BR/>#81 was difficult. There are so many revenge stories out there, but if it is unique enough I'll read it. I like the part about the mage transferring his powers.<BR/><BR/>#82 is an interesting idea. I just don't know what the conflict is. <BR/><BR/>"I bet ninety percent of the pitches we've been seeing in Jessica's critiques have already been rewritten based on the critiques of others that came before."<BR/><BR/>Not mine. Frankly, it was easier to write the book than the pitch. How do you distill down a convoluted mystery with characters, who walk around in your head for months, into a few lines that would interest anyone?<BR/><BR/>Yes, I will keep reading and studying, but I am still lost as a goose in a snowstorm about how pitch my work. Hopefully, the lightbulb will click on soon.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-46508937640498819952007-12-20T20:54:00.000-05:002007-12-20T20:54:00.000-05:00I just wanted to say a big thank you to you, Jessi...I just wanted to say a big thank you to you, Jessica, for giving us the opportunity to see how an agent reacts to all sorts of different pitches.<BR/><BR/>There are some very interesting ideas in this round, and it's funny how much I agree with your assessments (and can already hear your voice saying mine will be too long when you get too it!) although I would never see a lot of what you wrote about without having it pointed out first. I guess it really shows how professional the agent's eye is.Anne-Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05960236584908811801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-86518706457073754552007-12-20T19:37:00.000-05:002007-12-20T19:37:00.000-05:00Perhaps a better description for the cocktail wait...Perhaps a better description for the cocktail waitress--assuming the husband isn't actually having an affair with someone mentally challenged (and being a good cocktail waitress? Not a job for the stupid, really. I've done it. You need a great memory and the ability to think on your feet) would be "intellectually challenged".Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-37229709808754855782007-12-20T19:08:00.000-05:002007-12-20T19:08:00.000-05:00I always write my blurb "hook" as I write the firs...I always write my blurb "hook" as I write the first draft of my novels. Reading these really help my eye for distilling my story.<BR/>It helps me perfect my pitch so I don't waste my agent's time. I can learn from these examples.<BR/>Thanks!<BR/>(I'm kind of a lurker who was provoked to comment because of the previous blog entry LOL)ORIONhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01534064935115027523noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-82489839798936674242007-12-20T17:51:00.000-05:002007-12-20T17:51:00.000-05:00Dramabird wrote: Jessica, a quick question: When y...Dramabird wrote: Jessica, a quick question: When you recommend leaving out the formula of "Title is ...", do you mean only in pitches, or in queries, as well?<BR/><BR/>Unless you've got a really super catchy title (I'm thinking of MJD's "Undead and Unwed") I would suggest leaving it out, since the editor who eventually offers a contract on the manuscript will most likely want to change it.Kate Douglashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05486916548114546095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-49210848875744948452007-12-20T15:53:00.000-05:002007-12-20T15:53:00.000-05:00I loved #80. Even if it's a bit on the long side, ...I loved #80. Even if it's a bit on the long side, that's definitely a book I'd like to read.Christine Careyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11341804703650310395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-83030144774587521252007-12-20T15:16:00.000-05:002007-12-20T15:16:00.000-05:00This is a nit-noid, but I think "a fortune in gold...This is a nit-noid, but I think "a fortune in gold" rolls of the tongue better than "$15,000,000 in gold" and reads better, too.<BR/><BR/>15 million is an arbitrary number (why not 25 million? 3 billion?) and may be an insane amount of money or just enough to buy a latte at Starbucks depending on the time period.<BR/><BR/>Remember Dr. Evil - He demanded A MILLION DOLLARS from the world's leaders and they laughed and said, "Uh, okay."<BR/><BR/>Thanks, Jessica.Loren DeShonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01341240338736684006noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-27675576023164396262007-12-20T14:44:00.000-05:002007-12-20T14:44:00.000-05:00I'm going to totally agree with you Jessica on the...I'm going to totally agree with you Jessica on the pitch about the man having an affair with the mentally challenged woman. When I read that, I just thought not my thing. He's not even a man I remotely want to read about.Beverley Kendallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09175915580179121447noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-6421258740431694202007-12-20T13:28:00.000-05:002007-12-20T13:28:00.000-05:00re: JLT's #79 - if handled well (with a realistic ...re: JLT's #79 - if handled well (with a realistic and empathetic view of the mentally challenged character) i think this story could be an intriguing and quality story. my hang up here is that after the first sentence the story sounds more plot driven and less character driven - which is fine, or good even, but for this set of characters i, personally, would rather read less of a pointed story about them and more of a story with blurry lines between what's right and wrong, between needs and desires, etc...<BR/><BR/>i know i'm inferring an awful lot from just a few sentences - but hey, that's the intention of a pitch i suppose.C.J.https://www.blogger.com/profile/13842719490866903136noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-32883160049020703822007-12-20T12:01:00.000-05:002007-12-20T12:01:00.000-05:00#78: First, did Lotty kill her child? I need to k...#78: First, did Lotty kill her child? I need to know the answer to that before I pick up the book. Because if she's wrongfully accused, there is sympathy. Second, if she got a new face and a new life to run away from her old one, the child dying is going to haunt her. How does that affect her new life? As for the major conflict of the story, I would think the conflict comes when Lotty's old life crashes into her new one - and the fall-out. <BR/><BR/>#79: The mentally challenged waitress. Are we talking a disability such as Down Syndrome or mentally unhinged, as in Fatal Attraction Glenn Close?? I think the difference really needs to be illustrated. If it's the first, the waitress gets my sympathy. If it's the second, I'd tell Becky to run for the hills. <BR/><BR/>#82: I'm really intrigued by the idea, but I'd really like to see more of what the story focus is.Jeannie Rueschhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16121805051292444835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-34134931310218971302007-12-20T11:56:00.000-05:002007-12-20T11:56:00.000-05:00Re: mentally retarded. I thought, if the woman is ...Re: mentally retarded. I thought, if the woman is more ditzy-blond or if this is somehow joking, it's tacky, and if it's NOT, I'm not sure the writing could pull off such a situation. As others have pointed out, she'd have a very different problem with her husband than that he is having an affair.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-56610580474365181072007-12-20T11:29:00.000-05:002007-12-20T11:29:00.000-05:00I bet ninety percent of the pitches we've been see...I bet ninety percent of the pitches we've been seeing in Jessica's critiques have already been rewritten based on the critiques of others that came before. <BR/><BR/>This has been a really amazing workshop, Jessica! I'm looking forward to more.Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-52022250845241523192007-12-20T10:40:00.000-05:002007-12-20T10:40:00.000-05:00anon 9:31In Response to #77"Why is having to aband...anon 9:31<BR/><BR/>In Response to #77<BR/><BR/>"Why is having to abandon 15,000 in gold hard for the Main Character? Sure, everyone needs money but most people are honest. If the character is 15 presumably his parents have jobs and provide for him. " -<BR/><BR/>In the pitch it was 15 million... seriously, who wouldn't find it hard to abandon 15 million? I tend to disagree that most people are honest but that's opinion, and even if his parents do provide for him, it's 15 million!!!! Name me an adult whose mouth wouldn't water, let alone a teen...<BR/><BR/>Otherwise I agree that they need more of a hook to pull us in. The pitch is uncertain to me and a little confusing, though that doesn't mean the ms is.Merry Monteleonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09435956005780500310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-77971523533014193152007-12-20T10:36:00.000-05:002007-12-20T10:36:00.000-05:00Jessica, a quick question: When you recommend lea...Jessica, a quick question: When you recommend leaving out the formula of "Title is ...", do you mean only in pitches, or in queries, as well?<BR/><BR/>If it's "yes" to the latter, do you have recommendations on the most effective ways to slip in the title/genre/word count info?<BR/><BR/>Thanks for all your hard work!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-77939453838221036092007-12-20T09:40:00.000-05:002007-12-20T09:40:00.000-05:00Number 82 --You've done well to set up the backsto...Number 82 --<BR/><BR/>You've done well to set up the backstory of the shipwreckd girl who is now the Sea Ambassador -- but what does she face AS the Sea Ambassador? What is her goal? Who is her opposition? The previous Ambassador? The mother she thought was dead but now discovers is alive? <BR/><BR/>What are her obstacles in reconcilling the people of the land and sea?<BR/><BR/>What tragic consequences does she face if she is not able to reconile these two fragmented societies? <BR/><BR/>You've got to give us a clue, otherwise we don't know why it's important.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-91290383177954731802007-12-20T09:31:00.000-05:002007-12-20T09:31:00.000-05:00For #77 -- Why is having to abandon 15,000 in gold...For #77 -- <BR/><BR/>Why is having to abandon 15,000 in gold hard for the Main Character? Sure, everyone needs money but most people are honest. If the character is 15 presumably his parents have jobs and provide for him. Does he need that money for something nefarious, something he can't tell anyone about, to help someone? To save himself? <BR/><BR/>Also, it isn't clear what the plot is... so he saved a friend and lets go of 15,0000 -- what is the story? What is his journey? What does he WANT? He's got to want something, otherwise there is no book. <BR/><BR/>In other words, what set of plot points are now going to happen because he DIDN'T keep that money? Or because he DID save that friend?<BR/><BR/>I have no idea if this is a Pirates of the Caribbean type adventure book or a contemporary YA.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-41772466015679744012007-12-20T09:26:00.001-05:002007-12-20T09:26:00.001-05:00Not one happily ever after in the bunch!! I still ...Not one happily ever after in the bunch!! <BR/><BR/>I still can't get the baby killer out of my head. I shrank back immediately. I am hoping she was a victim of circumstance or wrongly accused and it just didn't come through in the blurb. And then the mentally challenged waitress that wants to kill the wife ... hmmmm.... I must be in too jolly of a mood to fall in love with these stories at this time of the year.<BR/><BR/>Ho Ho Ho ... .and mine is coming up soon....yippeee. It's so much easier to read other people's entries with fresh eyes than our own because we know our own stories so well. This is really helpful and the best present under my tree this year Jessica. Thanks.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-45296670044708444152007-12-20T09:26:00.000-05:002007-12-20T09:26:00.000-05:00Jessica, please keep 'em coming. With every crit. ...Jessica, please keep 'em coming. With every crit. you give, we all learn more about what works and what doesn't in a pitch. <BR/><BR/>When I first saw it posted, I too had trouble with the story line about the mentally challenged waitress. His choice of mistress says more about the husband's character than the wife's reaction to the affair. <BR/><BR/>Who are we rooting for? The husband and wife, thus making the mentally challenged waitress the villian? Or are we rooting for the husband to make a life with a type woman who's usually shunned and overlooked as a romantic interest, thus making the wife the vilian? <BR/><BR/>Or do we see the husband as some predator looking to take advantage of someone perceived as being weak thus making the husband the villian?Josephine Damianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17952030380866201241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-41279429517297424842007-12-20T09:20:00.000-05:002007-12-20T09:20:00.000-05:00For pitch # 78 --"... it all seems to be working o...For pitch # 78 --<BR/><BR/>"... it all seems to be working out until she falls for a cop."<BR/><BR/>Cops are easy to fall for, it's the uniform, I think. What specifically about THIS cop is gonna cause this girl some major upheaval, in the form of PLOT POINTS, that create the rest of the book? Does he have secrets of his own? Is he really a cop? Is he only pretending to "like" her but is really investigating her?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com