tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post6018665192650293922..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Pitch Critiques Round 22BookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-31647352742607433442008-02-04T19:31:00.000-05:002008-02-04T19:31:00.000-05:00131. I'm not sure why John scandalizes the town i...131. I'm not sure why John scandalizes the town if his father was the philanderer.<BR/><BR/>I'd also like to know more about Mary.<BR/><BR/>132. This is kind of confusing to me and I had to read it over a few times to get a grip on it. It could have great potential. I am assuming it's a romance, but not sure.<BR/><BR/>133. I like this one. I think it has good potential, but I might start out with Jayne and William reacting to the reverend.<BR/><BR/>134. This one starts out interesting, but then so many things are tossed in it becomes confusing to me. Is his being gay a pivotal point?<BR/><BR/>135. Take yourself back immediately turns me cold. I feel like it's the set up for a history program from the 50's. The story has an interesting premise, but I think you need to focus on one thing.<BR/><BR/>136. Referring to books or movies to describe a work doesn't excite me. I know who Zorro is, but not sure what Mask of Zorro is and no idea who or what Ella Enchanted is. <BR/><BR/>I might be just tired, but it kind of confuses me. Why is a governor's son living in an orphanage?Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-19756782422380755362008-02-01T16:15:00.000-05:002008-02-01T16:15:00.000-05:00Thanks again for doing this Jessica. Even if you c...Thanks again for doing this Jessica. Even if you can't get through them all, the comments you've made on the ones you've gone through have really helped me figure out how to fix mine.Christine Careyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11341804703650310395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-12023953654421615052008-02-01T12:57:00.000-05:002008-02-01T12:57:00.000-05:00Jessica, just wanted to say thanks for everything ...Jessica, just wanted to say thanks for everything you're doing. It's helping a lot of writers, myself included, and it's nice to see an agent's opinion on these pitches. <BR/><BR/>I don't have anything to add myself, except that I'm not really understanding the ella enchanted and zorro connection in the last one. Maybe make it more clear or drop it? Just my opinion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-53569021384747019702008-02-01T10:34:00.000-05:002008-02-01T10:34:00.000-05:00Author of 132 here.Thank you, Jessica, for the tim...Author of 132 here.<BR/><BR/>Thank you, Jessica, for the time and energy you put into these critiques. They are most helpful and I agree with your comments on my pitch. Shortly after posting, I noted the same issues.<BR/><BR/>Thanks to everyone else for your comments. <BR/><BR/>The genre for this is inspirational romance. Athena and Isaiah’s. Since the ms is written for the CBA, I’m walking a fine line with the details I can give concerning Athena’s chosen profession. <BR/><BR/>“What about Lydia?” I ask myself that on a daily basisChristina Graham Parkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04055656554692170817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-48047639453618498372008-02-01T09:29:00.000-05:002008-02-01T09:29:00.000-05:00#132: I recently read the opening to this and did ...#132: I recently read the opening to this and did not have a sense of the first character mentioned in the pitch as a call girl. Perhaps Christy might get that across in her opening - maybe open with the call girl in the act of "servicing" (or just about to)some John but she's fantasizing he's her old flame - to help her get through it.<BR/><BR/>I think about Sue Miller's "The Senator's Wife" which has two female charaters, unlikely friends - one has a husband the other gal gets too close to - maybe Christy could check out the jacket flap of that book to have a sense of how this type of storyline with this many characters is presented.Josephine Damianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17952030380866201241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-21738417065223089202008-01-31T22:11:00.000-05:002008-01-31T22:11:00.000-05:00Jessica,Sorry to hear you're winding down, but tha...Jessica,<BR/><BR/>Sorry to hear you're winding down, but thanks for persevering so long - it has been tremendously educational.<BR/><BR/>An idea: If you don't think you can make it through each and every one of the remaining pitches, perhaps you could cherry pick from the remainder to make points that haven't yet been addressed, or select points that could use re-emphasis.<BR/><BR/>Thanks again.Loren DeShonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01341240338736684006noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-28822956940765873652008-01-31T16:50:00.000-05:002008-01-31T16:50:00.000-05:00Hee! This is so fun!I'm #136. About a month after ...Hee! This is so fun!<BR/><BR/>I'm #136. About a month after I posted the pitch I got to thinking... I probably should change this... but then there were like ten thousand more pitches waiting...<BR/><BR/>Thanks for the advice, Jessica. I totally agree that it lacks oomph. <BR/><BR/>Vicki-- it's complicated, but he's on the run because his brother was murdered and his fairy godmother (don't ask) thinks he will be safer away from the palace. There's a lot missing from the pitch, which is completely my fault, and I intend to remedy it. Perhaps, ten years from now, I shall post it on this very thread.Gabriellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11476963043474402248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-3052515358342749822008-01-31T14:09:00.000-05:002008-01-31T14:09:00.000-05:00Okay, I usually lurk but decided to comment today....Okay, I usually lurk but decided to comment today. <BR/>#131 – I agree with Jessica. How does he scandalize an entire town? What timeframe are we in? If it’s historical (which I think it is), then perhaps the reason no one wants to rescue the half sister is because she runs a brothel on the wrong end of town? Although depending upon John’s family status, people would whisper behind their backs but not make known their thoughts out loud.<BR/><BR/>#132<BR/>Again – agree with Jessica.<BR/><BR/>I want to know if Isaiah loved Athena as well. Is there a secret baby and could Lydia have to end up raising it as her own…okay, way off here I know, but I truly don’t have an idea of what this is about.<BR/><BR/>#133<BR/> Is this a paranormal? Since Jayne’s father cast her out for her strange ways, I’m thinking maybe. If so, I’d like to know more about that and how it will affect the town and her life.<BR/><BR/>#134 <BR/>I liked this one a lot until I got to the seizure part. My first though was, why not leave the sunglasses on. Why do the seizures make it impossible to fall in love? <BR/><BR/>#135<BR/>Jessica said it all<BR/><BR/>#136<BR/>Why would he be on the run and in orphanages? Were his parents also killed? <BR/><BR/>I liked this. It made me want to know if Ella is really the enemy. If she is pretending friendship and more in a plot to kill Berto. If he will not be the only one to make a decision.<BR/><BR/>Thank you Jessica for doing this.Vickihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04521384704019863926noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-7321249317752639742008-01-31T13:24:00.000-05:002008-01-31T13:24:00.000-05:00I pretty much agree flat-out with Jessica on all o...I pretty much agree flat-out with Jessica on all of these -- things are too muddy all the way through. I especially agree that a pitch insisting I take myself back to deepest Africa will definitely knock me out of the sense that I'm going back to deepest Africa. It's a variation on "life turned upside down" pitches -- and the old advice of "show, don't tell."<BR/><BR/>#134 intrigues me because it sounds like a book with an interesting protagonist who happens to be gay, and I'd like to see more of that. But you could get that across just by mentioning him falling in love with a man who's becoming his enemy. And... not sure why seizures make love impossible, regardless of who it is he loves. He's a powerful witch with a powerful weakness, drawn into this feud, tensions are rising, he has to pick a side. Focused is best.<BR/><BR/>Like 132 and 133, #135 also has a little protagonist confusion, especially when we're swapping over from the medicine man to the daughter with "Summoned to deliver the Queen’s first child, the daughter of the prophecy is born." Which kind of sounds like the daughter is summoned to deliver herself. I know it's nitpicky, but with pitches I really believe that every single word counts.<BR/><BR/>Definitely need more specifics (and no "X meets X" in the pitch, especially when the character's name matches one of the Xs) for #136.<BR/><BR/>Good luck with these, everyone! And good luck pushing forward, Jessica! We really are still learning something new with each batch, even after so very many batches.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06965380978953755823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-49726513650278076352008-01-31T12:01:00.000-05:002008-01-31T12:01:00.000-05:00I don't have anything to add to what Jessica said ...I don't have anything to add to what Jessica said about the others, but I did think that #135 sounded interesting because of the setting. But I agree that the pitch isn't working as well as it should.<BR/><BR/><I>Izi, the King’s trusted medicine,</I><BR/><BR/>I assume Izi is a medicine man, not some herb or something used as medicine.<BR/><BR/><I>Will she lead her nation to freedom, or will her Gods abandon her?</I><BR/><BR/>This question needs to go. It currently doesn't even make sense. You tell use that the Gods send Izi to deliver a message about her, that she's the child of prophecy, etc., so it seems pretty obvious that her gods won't abandon her. What I'd prefer to know instead is why she thinks the gods have abandoned her.<BR/><BR/>Better yet, since the part about Izi sounds like a prologue and I'm assuming the POV character is the girl as a teenager or adult, tell us everything in the pitch from her viewpoint.<BR/><BR/>Just my 2 cents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-47184854525761354462008-01-31T11:50:00.000-05:002008-01-31T11:50:00.000-05:00Thanks for the critique Jessica. (I was Love Lost...Thanks for the critique Jessica. (I was Love Lost).<BR/><BR/>I pretty much hated my pitch after I read your comments over the last couple months, and saw a lot of ways I could have improved it. But by then it was too late to remove it. I was in the system! :)Scott Traceyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03057159792299267190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-20732580296920918632008-01-31T07:29:00.000-05:002008-01-31T07:29:00.000-05:00Jessica, this has been so great and so helpful. I...Jessica, this has been so great and so helpful. I don't always comment, because I usually agree spot on with what you say (including about mine). I'd like to add, though, that I think the one about the colony sounds interesting. I don't think anything like that has been published recently, and it is an angle of history I find interesting. I agree that the pitch needs to be focused...also, I HATE reading about strange and fascinating attractions between two people...I don't really think that's a good way to describe love, and it sounds a bit cliche.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-36166803859143712382008-01-31T01:08:00.000-05:002008-01-31T01:08:00.000-05:00Jessica, just a note of thanks and encouragement f...Jessica, just a note of thanks and encouragement for your efforts. I'll add my meager comments tomorrow.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.com