tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post6026145775536643390..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Workshop WednesdayBookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-91009557192222343892011-05-13T22:50:11.561-04:002011-05-13T22:50:11.561-04:00(Forgive me if this is a duplicate. I'm a comp...(Forgive me if this is a duplicate. I'm a computer guy, and I have trouble getting these @#$%#& posts to work. Grrr!)<br /><br />I agree with the comments that the author does a nice job of quickly setting the stage: reporter, widower, alcoholic, Seattle, wants to die. I especially like the last one, though I am biased since (if you'll tolerate a blatant commercial) one of the tales in a collection of short stories I'm currently working on features a heroine who -- as learn on page 2 or so -- is going to die.<br /><br />I think the main problem is that when he used the term "secret society," I couldn't help but think Dan Brown. Yes, I realize Mr. Brown was not the first author to write a thriller involving a secret society. But let's face it, he's largely cornered the market with three best sellers this decade. My suggestion: perhaps be a little more vague, and use a phrase like "uncover a long-kept secret." Admittedly it's close, but not so close as to enter the Angels & Demons / Da Vinci / Lost Symbol space, which to some is hallowed ground.<br /><br />Just my $0.02.Michael Seesehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03694187657718931214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-80619640463689093672011-05-12T00:48:13.753-04:002011-05-12T00:48:13.753-04:00I may have read this wrong, but I got the impressi...I may have read this wrong, but I got the impression that he wanted to die in order to fulfill a destiny greater than himself (or his life). So if that's not the case, maybe that should be clarified somehow, although I'm not sure how to do that w/o destroying your brilliant hook. <br /><br />About the query shark thing--it happens. I once spelled an agent's name wrong in a query. The next day, I got a polite rejection. With my name misspelled. <br /><br />Ah, well, it was good for a laugh.lenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07746557642963895489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-11995782204661368562011-05-11T17:44:32.798-04:002011-05-11T17:44:32.798-04:00I like it, but agree that the part about the secre...I like it, but agree that the part about the secret society needs to be punched up just a little bit in order to bring the query home. The beginning mentions that he'd rather die than fulfill this grand destiny (and not just because his life sucks)--why? Give us a hint of why he'd rather avoid fulfilling it.<br /><br />Like scifi13 said, though, there's a perfect amount of backstory here, and it also helps show who the character is. I get a sense of what his mindset must be as a result of his experiences, even though there's not a lot of length or detail. Good job!Kristin Laughtinhttp://kristinlaughtin.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-46183454162061936762011-05-11T16:04:14.957-04:002011-05-11T16:04:14.957-04:00I agree, that "fulfilling destiny" remar...I agree, that "fulfilling destiny" remark needs to be spelled out with how.<br /><br />And I kept wanting to know why he wants to die. Never got back to that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-39437195831790376122011-05-11T12:31:01.079-04:002011-05-11T12:31:01.079-04:00Thanks to the author for sharing. This was a good ...Thanks to the author for sharing. This was a good query, it drew me in and made me want to take the journey with that main character. <br /><br />But you're right (of course) two more sentences and it would be great.: )Robena Granthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18389730409379890816noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-23849582105650207642011-05-11T11:23:23.553-04:002011-05-11T11:23:23.553-04:00I learned plenty from this one. Thank you for goi...I learned plenty from this one. Thank you for going into detail about achieving the perfect hook. I have trouble making a query sound as interesting as my actual manuscript, and it drives me insane. When I transform it from okay to outstanding I'm going to have to query you.<br /><br />Your are also very understanding about the the "Dear Queryshark". Other agents would toss it out just on that basis.Laila Knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08430076999393883312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-11985065627584557792011-05-11T10:36:07.263-04:002011-05-11T10:36:07.263-04:00One more idea on 'bringing it home...'
Th...One more idea on 'bringing it home...'<br /><br />The hook of the query is the protag wanting to die rather than fullfill his destiny. That is where it starts, and really, that is what is different about this.<br /><br />The ending could circle back to deepen and/or explain that desire. But it doesn't. The ending gives a second hook (secret society). Can you either link these two or perhaps pick one of them to by the hook and de-emphasize the other?<br /><br />Overall, I thought this was a decent query. I got a feel for the scope of the story and the character.Lehcarjthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17171145477602995121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-47914020606351842252011-05-11T09:57:51.385-04:002011-05-11T09:57:51.385-04:00"Bring it home." Now that really struck ..."Bring it home." Now that really struck a chord with me, Jessica. Thanks. It's really the difference between being good and being great...both in queries and in the story.Justin Holleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01416168399904398878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-10617129473361209702011-05-11T09:28:08.983-04:002011-05-11T09:28:08.983-04:00Woohoo!!! My first ever comment and I'm first!...Woohoo!!! My first ever comment and I'm first! Darn it - just noticed I was pipped to the post.<br /><br />Aside from the 'Dear Queryshark" debacle, which I am sure the author is embarrassed about I like this query for a number of reasons: <br /><br />It's short and to the point, without going into loads of detail about the main part of the plot. I also like the opening lines as a hook.<br /><br />The main thing I like though, is the manner in which the MC's past history is addressed. In other queries that I've read on sites such as queryshark (I've just got through the entire site), that kind of character description sometimes seems to appear as if it is backstory. Here, however, it serves to not only illuminate us on the protags life, but also does so in such a way that it reveals some of his personality as well.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm a newbie at this so these are just my opinions, but those are the things I liked.<br /><br />WV: Litoe - low calorie toes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-37524437881074316322011-05-11T09:20:40.121-04:002011-05-11T09:20:40.121-04:00im more a reader than a writer, but since i have a...im more a reader than a writer, but since i have a blog myself i have to write something. Id rather take pictures which i really enjoy. Richard from Lebanon countys Amish community. www.Amishstorys.comtrumphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14379869475899318079noreply@blogger.com