tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post3217891462732894423..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Pitch Critiques Round 20BookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-46453101848855995332008-01-26T11:08:00.000-05:002008-01-26T11:08:00.000-05:00Sorry to be so late posting comments.117. My firs...Sorry to be so late posting comments.<BR/><BR/>117. My first thought on this one is the story of Cleopatra smuggled in to see Caesar. Needing a face-to-face meeting is obviously necessary at times. <BR/><BR/>I like the premise, but something more specific might help.<BR/><BR/>118. It's pretty much been said. I can see rape as a valid plot point, but not a love story between. I'm reading a book by Elizabeth Moon now with rape and torture in it, but they are simply facts of life in that time, not the plot. <BR/><BR/>119. This seemed like a really interesting book to me. My one nagging question is what is his mother dying of? It just seems like it would take a very long time to go through all these adventures if the cause is something at all immediate.<BR/><BR/>I do hope you can punch this up and get it published. It just sounds too interesting to not keep trying.<BR/><BR/>120. I agree with Jessica on this one. If it's been published, it's time to move on to a new work. Use this to get your foot in the door with a new book.<BR/><BR/>As for the book, it sounds mildly interesting to me and it could have a lot of potential. I'm not a vampire fan, but it has an interesting set up.<BR/><BR/>121. I think being vague about what Sophia is in a pitch probably isn't good. Her sister being the chosen one who must mate with the vampire king has been done to death, but so have many other things and people still make them interesting.<BR/><BR/>It's lacking something, but I'm not sure what.<BR/><BR/>122. Wouldn't interest me, but this type of story doesn't normally interest me as I am drawn to death and mayhem like a bee to honeysuckle. However, personal tastes aside, I would bring more of the reason he could lose his dream forward. Why does his guilt threaten to destroy them? <BR/><BR/>I don't like posing questions in pitches, though some people do it very effectively. <BR/><BR/>123. I like this premise. I'm not sure how painting cranes will cure her brother if he is the arson, but it's interesting. I think I'd focus more on the mysterious German. Mysterious people always make my ears perk up.<BR/><BR/>I could see some very touching moments with her ill mother seeing the cranes come to life. <BR/><BR/>124. I loved this one. It could be a lot of fun.<BR/><BR/>Good job, all.Julie Weathershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13725236516593676381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-3474663797318374362008-01-22T17:55:00.000-05:002008-01-22T17:55:00.000-05:00I have a suggestion for #118. Have her fall in lo...I have a suggestion for #118. Have her fall in love with the rapist's brother. That way you can deal seriously with the forgiveness issues and keep the relationship conflict without turning the readers' stomachs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-86921450441977521972008-01-21T18:08:00.000-05:002008-01-21T18:08:00.000-05:00124 was my favourite of the lot, and like many rea...124 was my favourite of the lot, and like many readers, the idea of 118 was a big turn-off.<BR/><BR/>I am #122, and I do appreciate the comments made both by Jessica and by the readers. I'm actually not sure whether I've written a category vs single-title romance because I cut out the other characters and bits of the storyline to make the pitch shorter- it sounds like I need to rethink the whole thing if that's the case!<BR/><BR/>anon 9:44- Thanks for the comments- I do see what you mean about the character descriptions and the need to spell out the dreams more specifically.<BR/><BR/>Chro- you made me laugh- it does sound lame when you stare at it on the screen.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for the input, everyone. Back to the writing board.Anne-Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05960236584908811801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-39555528484004931712008-01-21T12:49:00.000-05:002008-01-21T12:49:00.000-05:00I absolutely love the one about crane decorating. ...I absolutely love the one about crane decorating. I can totally see the symbolism as it ties the other elements together. I'm a hardcore UF fan, but I love lit fic as well, and this one would definitely float my boat. 8^) Good luck with it!Karen Duvallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01839711547501582977noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-64599562090903842862008-01-21T12:27:00.000-05:002008-01-21T12:27:00.000-05:00I had strong feeling about only two of these pitch...I had strong feeling about only two of these pitches:<BR/><BR/>118 - ICK. Enough said. No one in their right mind would buy this book, much less request to read it as an agent! Horrible!<BR/><BR/>124 - This sounds like a cute set up. Granted, you didn't tell us a lot about the plot, so I'm not sure exactly where it's going (if it's focusing on her family, her school, finding her powers, or everything), but I like the idea of it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-59663157596566586492008-01-21T11:48:00.000-05:002008-01-21T11:48:00.000-05:00I thought the 'god but doesn't know it' sounds lik...I thought the 'god but doesn't know it' sounds like it could be a very clever and enjoyable read.<BR/><BR/>The rape-turned-love is creepy. There's no other way to put it -- creepy and totally inappropriate...but I think some of the comments have given good alternative ideas.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-38335620683156081712008-01-21T11:05:00.000-05:002008-01-21T11:05:00.000-05:00Oh, and one more thing. I've seen a lot of people...Oh, and one more thing. I've seen a lot of people trying to use the "But these vampires are good" thing to make their vampires different.<BR/><BR/>You really want to boggle someone's mind, make them all irredeemably evil. All vampires are good now. It really kind of bothers me as a hemophobe. Really, I'm sorry but I don't get the appeal.<BR/><BR/>But that is just me.<BR/><BR/>In all seriousness, do they really have to be vampires? Can you make up some threatening species that we haven't seen before? Like creatures that steal time, or hope, or slowly corrupt people until they embody one of the seven deadly sins. I don't know, that is what getting creative is all about.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-52392436347602660792008-01-21T10:59:00.000-05:002008-01-21T10:59:00.000-05:00I'll add my "I wouldn't buy that book" as a reader...I'll add my "I wouldn't buy that book" as a reader to #118. I'm sorry, I just can't get past it. I agree that the story of a rapist trying to redeem his act, without the victim having anything to do with it, would be interesting. Also a healing story where the victim finds power in an attempt to forgive the rapist would also work. Especially if she discovers that he was a stupid young kid that didn't realize the consequences of his actions for her because he was a self-absorbed teen. Thus allowing her to finally move on in her life and love someone else without feeling like that scar taints it, but rape, even if they were both young kids and stupid is a scar that doesn't lend itself to love.<BR/><BR/>#119 I'm going to say what I liked about this story. Instead of having a "fantasy" feel, the things that caught my attention that I went "ooh" about were the aspects of the story that made this sound like an old American folk tale, like Johnny Appleseed, Paul Bunyan, and Pecos Bill. I.E. he's got a mundane farm life, but has to find a magic seed to save his farm, (and mom, but I actually like saving the farm better.) So he sets off on an adventure that has him do fantastic larger than life things, like Paul Bunyan and Pecos Bill with the help of some strange friends.<BR/><BR/>I don't know if it is just me longing for a little slice of Americana or what, but I've seen too many uber-fantasies, a down to earth one that reminds me of the old American pioneer spirit would be fun.<BR/><BR/>Hmmmmm, it gives me some ideas.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-12867127809416814492008-01-21T10:12:00.000-05:002008-01-21T10:12:00.000-05:00117: Too vague. What rumors are discrediting her ...117: Too vague. What rumors are discrediting her rule? What's her plan? What threatens her life in Korella? Political intrigue isn't exciting if there's only a lot of talking. What sort of physical and emotional problems does she face? Remember that if your main conflict is "Someone is discrediting her rule", we have to care about her maintaining it.<BR/><BR/>118. Have to agree here -- did you mean FORGIVE the man she blames for ruining her life? Because I seriously doubt any rape victim (much less one that's bitter and suicidal) would ever be capable of LOVING her rapist.<BR/><BR/>Also, I think some of your words were unnecessarily long, which makes the query sound heavy-handed. 'Hitherto idyllic' was the most obvious example, but even common words like 'perpetrator' could be replaced with something shorter and more vivid.<BR/><BR/>119. Yeesh, what is it with people using fancy words in their pitch? Erudite and laconic sound like words I saw on my SATs, or on freerice.com. Novels don't need to be written for as common an audience as newspapers, but they should still hover around a 9th grade reading level.<BR/><BR/>And yes, this is too long. I read the first half, then scrolled down and said, "Oh... crap, I'm only halfway done?" You're specific in all the wrong places. You don't need to show all the mini-conflicts, like becoming a cog in a machine. If you do, they should be brief previews (like you did with your sentence, "He fights off pirates, crosses the prairie with pioneers, and gets swept up into a tornado.")<BR/><BR/>Try pitching your entire plot in one sentence. Then give yourself two. Then three. Work your way up to five, and then stop. Beyond that, you're treading into 'too long' territory.<BR/><BR/>120. Agree with Jessica, for the most part.<BR/><BR/>121. Yet another love story between vampires and mortals. What makes this thing different?<BR/><BR/>122. Another story where someone faces their 'demons'. I swear, if all these books had ACTUAL demons, they'd be a lot more interesting.<BR/><BR/>I'm not much of a romance reader, so this doesn't excite me much. Particularly since the conflict sounds like it could be solved by Dr. Phil. What keeps them apart, aside from Ian's "demons"? If the central obstacle in a book is the protagonist's angst, I don't want to read it.<BR/><BR/>123. It builds up well, but then the solution to all her problems is... crane decorating? Well, at least it's original. You've developed the conflict, but what obstacles does she face?<BR/><BR/>124. My first reaction was 'What self-respecting god is named Laura?' Second one was, 'If she's a god, why is college hard? Isn't she omniscient?' Thankfully you answered both these questions in short order.<BR/><BR/>I didn't like the third sentence, though, it just sounds wrong. Remove some useless phrases like 'the fact she has the propensity to'. Your book definately sounds unique and interesting, which is good. Just work on the actual writing part, and make your pitch perfect.Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-18124007204863645042008-01-21T10:06:00.000-05:002008-01-21T10:06:00.000-05:00My two cents:# 117: I like this story but think it...My two cents:<BR/># 117: I like this story but think it could be tightened up. A little reorganization of the facts and I think its a winner.<BR/>#118: I don't like that both names begin with an E and are unique. I had to read it twice to see who was who. I don't think you will ever find anyone who will sympathize (sp?) with someone who rapes a 15 year old. Or would anyone agree that she should ever form a relationship with this man. If it were my daughter I'd have to find a shotgun and shovel. (Oops! Was I thinking out loud again?)<BR/>#119: Could be a good book but this pitch was too long. I need the facts. He's going on a magical journey to save his mom, gathers a group of friends and overcomes incredible odds. Cut out everything I don't absolutely need to know right now. I believe -and- Jessica, correct me if I'm wrong, the pitch is the lure to make someone request the rest. I don't need to know every nuance here, just make me excited about it. <BR/>#120: Gentle vampires? Sounds like a new twist but I'd need more information about what makes them different. (I don't know anything about the marketablity of prepubs so I'd listen to Jessica there) <BR/>#121: I like this one but the pitch is a bit confusing. If I found this on the bookshelf I'd put it back because it didn't grab me right away. I think it needs to be tightened up so the facts jump out more. Otherwise good premise. <BR/>#122: Sounds like an interesting love story but his there any other conflict other then his past problems? I think I'd need more. <BR/>#123:I'm confused as to who would pay to have cranes decorated? Or why? I've worked as an artist so these things blared out at me. (I think I'm missing the point in this one.) I think we need to see what the mysterious man has to do with anything. <BR/>#124: I liked this one but thought Jessica did a better job when she tightened it up. Reworded like that it sounds like a great book. I'd read! <BR/> Now about Vampire books. I do like them but they have to be really different. So many of them are just like the last one.Aimlesswriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03012050763172251381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-71241222902108866172008-01-21T09:44:00.000-05:002008-01-21T09:44:00.000-05:00118 -- There was a Lifetime made-for-TV-movie like...118 -- There was a Lifetime made-for-TV-movie like this years ago, but the woman that had been raped didn't know she'd married her rapist, and it was a true story. So it's not really that it can't be done, but you do have to be realistic about the market. A book like this might not be "What it's about" but "How it's about it" (a Roger Ebert quote).<BR/><BR/>I have to say, as a girl, I'd never read a book like this. Possibly if she later tracked the bastard down in revenge, but then decided he wasn't worth going to prison for... But LOVE between rapist and victim. Ick.<BR/><BR/>120 -- I think he stated that the book WASN'T published. I do find this pitch appealing. Being "voluntered" to help save vampires is a nice turn of character, rather than the gung-ho I'm Gonna Conquer the World character. BUT... if they are "gentle" vampires, how does that advance the plot? In other words, what is the conflict, the stakes that will keep the heroine from accomplishing her goal? You've got to give us a clue or we don't know.<BR/><BR/>122-- (Take these comments with a grain of salt -- if this book is category romance, then it is a genre I'm not terribly familiar with). <BR/><BR/>Too much information about a character's "beautiful blond hair", "pale blue eyes" and/or "fiery red hair." I don't care what they look like, I wanna know what happens.<BR/><BR/>By the way, what happens? The pitch states she has "all the connections to make their dreams come true" but you don't tell us WHAT those dreams are. You mentioned they are musical. What are their goals? To play Bar Mitzvahs? To travel cross country as Wedding Singers? To live on the streets of Nashville camped outside a record producers house until he lets them record a demo?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-88519123525350848152008-01-21T09:29:00.000-05:002008-01-21T09:29:00.000-05:00117. Deborah- I was also confused by the Queen of ...117. Deborah- I was also confused by the Queen of Santor/Serrica reference. When I went back and read it over, it became clear but you don't want an agent to have to do that. Also, I personally would need more conflict than "rumors". Maybe there is something I'm missing, but if the potential for danger could include Serrica's god's powers failing or something that might raise the issues. Just a thought...<BR/><BR/>118. Wendy- Boy, I'm sorry but I could never read this as it stands. I'm a therapist and work with so many women who would be devestated at the image of their rapist returning- converted or not- and the issue of falling in love with him is obscene. I think the image of a "handsome and rich" rapist, especially of a teen girl, is nearly impossible to save even if he feels really, really bad after turning to Christ. And here's the thing, I'm a Christian counselor and fully believe in redemption. But that doesn't mean the victim needs to be confronted with it. Years ago, the theme of the woman being forced and (secretely) really liking it or coming to love the rapist was common, eg. The Fountainhead, The Demon Lover and so on. But today's readers are more sophisticated psychologically and I really doubt you will get a good response from the pitch as it stands. On the flip side, the victim finding power in Christ and searching out her perpetrator as an act of empowerment and forgiveness could be a strong statement. <BR/><BR/>123. Is her name Celia or Lilia? At first I couldn't get into the crane decorating thing, but they sure would make a statement, wouldn't they? She seemed a little old at 24 for the rebellious angst-ridden character though. I could picture someone younger doing this more easily. Good luck, everyone!Therapist/Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17852926334703532486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-2879741877780203302008-01-21T07:58:00.000-05:002008-01-21T07:58:00.000-05:00I'm afraid I have nothing to say. All pitches were...I'm afraid I have nothing to say. All pitches were pretty 'meh' to me - neither the writing nor the subject matter interested me (with the exception of 118, which I found repulsive.)<BR/><BR/>You've pretty much nailed my thoughts. The crane-decorating is something I would love to see more of - mysterious strangers I see all the time, but people awakening giant cranes I haven't seen. Then again, I'm a fantasy reader, so I was taking this literally - if 'bringing them to life' was meant in the mundane sense of making them prettier, I'd be turned off indeed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com