tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post5058983243030630460..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Workshop WednesdayBookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-81356061064457467482012-03-08T14:56:05.341-05:002012-03-08T14:56:05.341-05:00I hate to say this, but I don’t believe this query...I hate to say this, but I don’t believe this query will work. The agent is looking to see if the originator can write. Much of this is clumsy and there are grammar errors. (“Who everyone is trying to avoid”? That should be WHOM.) The humor is not humorous, and there is nothing compelling in the story line as described. As an agent I would expect the book to be like the query, which is Not Good. I do suspect this writer has talent, though, and would suggest that she look at this as a learning experience and do another project. I believe Stephen King wrote five practice novels before he wrote CARRIE and turned into the mega-author he is today. This author may be on her way. Try again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-15189013178753314222012-03-07T21:54:47.275-05:002012-03-07T21:54:47.275-05:00I have trouble following your query. You need to t...I have trouble following your query. You need to tell us who exactly is the MC, what the MC wants and who is stopping the MC. Also, what is the main conflict.<br /><br />Because you desire to be lol funny, you may want to read Pat McManus's "The Deer on a Bicycle".<br /> <br />He recommends: <br />(1) Short sentences because timing is important to humor and your only time control is sentence length.<br />(2) Make your MC miserable and down-trodden. (McManus doesn't why this works.)<br /><br />Now, at the risk of seeming to be a fool, I'm going to offer a fake hook based on your query. Note, because I don't know much, I'm guessing and filling in.<br /><br />It’s the twenty-sixth century and Crazy Harold couldn’t find a date in a date palm forest. So he creates Mae, a “nineteen-year-old”, hottie in his lab. She's so hot the stars are ashamed of their solar flares. But before Harold can activate her, she must be reunited with her DNA-parents.<br /><br />Her DNA-mom is hiding in the most remote reaches of the Galaxy. The annual All Galactic Poll announced that she is the 2525 Most Despised Harpy in the Universe. Mae’s DNA-dad is such an extreme technophobe that he is ensconced deep in the Earth’s nineteenth century Amazon forest.<br /><br />Harold’s challenge is exacerbated by his having committed eleven capital offenses just to create Mae. He is also wanted as an escapee from the ICPA (Interplanetary Coalition of Psychiatric Asylums). And his only confidant, Emerson, is Harold’s head robot and a paid stoolie of the GIF (Galactic Investigation Force).<br /><br />Follow Crazy Harold as he races across time and space to resolve his personal issues while trying to avoid either execution by the GIF or capture by the ICPA.<br /><br />Doubtless, you can do better with the real details of your novel.Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-61462362670070932942012-03-07T19:29:41.197-05:002012-03-07T19:29:41.197-05:00You have an interesting and fresh storyline. Perha...You have an interesting and fresh storyline. Perhaps shoot for shorter sentences and remove details we can live without in a query. Remember, it's only meant to spark our intrigue, not tell us everything. I played with one paragraph for your consideration.<br /><br />Mae Clarke, a nineteen year old girl who was created in a test tube six months ago, is being raised by robots and an insane non-scientist. Her mother is on the starship Dravid (currently patrolling the Colonial side of the Zone). Her father is living on early twenty-first century Earth, hoping that he won't be kidnapped and sent into the future again.<br /><br />I took out their names because we don't need them in a query. I love how you threw in the bit about Dad hoping not to get sent to the future again - it tells us a lot about both Dad and the story. I think the part about Mom being an isolationist raises confusion for the reader. I'm not sure if she just likes to be alone or if she is hiding from something, for example. It doesn't seem to connect to anything else in the query, so I think you can safely leave it out.<br /><br />Best of luck!Cindy Dwyerhttp://cynthiadwyer.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-26674665786102562162012-03-07T17:34:13.000-05:002012-03-07T17:34:13.000-05:00Nice humor, awkward sentences.Nice humor, awkward sentences.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-59920011423432497172012-03-07T17:12:04.926-05:002012-03-07T17:12:04.926-05:00Like everyone else, I think a funny voice and stor...Like everyone else, I think a funny voice and story are being muddled by awkward grammar and description here. <br /><br />First paragraph: Is Mae 19, but only conscious for the last 6 months (heh, I'm working on a story with a similar character there), or was she born six months ago and her growth accelerated so she has the body of a 19-year-old?<br /><br />Second paragraph: The first sentence could use some cleaning up, but I was more confused by the second. Is Harold aiding, abetting, and obstructing the robots, reptilian doctor, commander, and Dagon? That's what the passive construction of this sentence applies. If they are aiding, abetting, and obstructing his plans, though, then you need to use the form of the verbs that I just did and get rid of the "of".<br /><br />I'm hoping these issues are only arising because you're trying to cram a lot into a query letter, because your book sounds very entertaining and it'd be good to see more humorous SF. (I know mine isn't this cute and quirky for sure!) Best of luck!Kristin Laughtinhttp://kristinlaughtin.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-74143365067939111112012-03-07T14:13:46.157-05:002012-03-07T14:13:46.157-05:00I like this. Love your final sentence including th...I like this. Love your final sentence including the query in your list of credits. I hope you'll repost your rewrite because I want to know more about the story.<br /><br />A couple thoughts: You're introducing so many characters with such divergent goals that it's hard to get a sense of the plot or the stakes. It seems like Harold is the one who takes action, and Mae is the one who's brings everyone together. Maybe focus on one of them for the next draft?<br /><br />Also, I would suggest not defining Harold as a "non-scientist." I get that you're making a joke on the mad scientist trope, but you're making the joke at the expense of clarity. Instead of spending precious query space telling us what he isn't, tell us what he is.<br /><br />Good luck!sarahhawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-17506312634893013632012-03-07T12:40:13.014-05:002012-03-07T12:40:13.014-05:00:-) and I understand why some would be confused ab...:-) and I understand why some would be confused about a six month old birth, which I assume obtained under a radical genetic fast process.Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-40227845383927587512012-03-07T12:34:32.164-05:002012-03-07T12:34:32.164-05:00Hmm, I've been known for not having a sense of...Hmm, I've been known for not having a sense of humour at all, but hopefully this comment will still be constructive. <br /><br />This reads to me as something that would be funny if it was said aloud with the right inflections and such. It doesn't translate into writing because the sentence construction is too awkward. As a writer, you can't presume that readers will put the emphasis in the places you expect them to instead of using proper grammar. If they have to read a paragraph twice, the humour will be lost, and the reader will be frustrated. <br /><br />So, while I would gladly sit in a room and listen to this author orate his stories all day (because I did find it quite funny once I understood it), and I definitely wouldn't read this. Awkward writing always trumps everything else, IMHO. <br /><br />I hope this comment made sense.sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08790718031722739093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-41047098476611789882012-03-07T12:21:32.086-05:002012-03-07T12:21:32.086-05:00Your humor comes through well in your biography an...Your humor comes through well in your biography and I like it. Definitely someone to meet for coffee. Do you have an online crit group? Sign me up!<br /><br />As to the query itself, 1st paragraph might be too risky... <br /><br />Premise section is intriguing and amusing, but as an agent I might worry that the book would have the same complex, rambling style. Again, might be too risky...<br /><br />I'd open with your perky view point on why you chose this particular agent. Then switch into business hat with a tight premise that still shows humor,and then return to your bio section.<br /><br />Best wishes. This feels like Jennifer Cruise does Sci-Fi. A break out genre surely? And a lot of fun--but you need to show you can make it concise and easy to read for the agent and the reader.<br /><br />And I'm serious about the crit group. :-)Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01806075459880162155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-90611890836378733952012-03-07T11:11:49.704-05:002012-03-07T11:11:49.704-05:00I like the humor, too. Unfortunately, the biggest ...I like the humor, too. Unfortunately, the biggest concern I have is the clarity of the writing when describing your story. Each sentence is muddled, which is a pity, and distracts from the story, if one could discern it, and the humor. <br /><br />Mae Clark can't be nineteen years old if she was born six months ago - better to say she's six months old with the body of a teenager. I'd skip the robots and non-scientist since you describe him below. In the next sentence, "trying to avoid everyone and who everyone tries to avoid" - I have no idea what that means without knowing why. I presume the last sentence means he was originally a 21st century man.<br /><br />The next paragraph has confusing pronouns. A little clarification in these sentences, a little more expanding on the story itself, and I think this would be much more appealing. <br /><br />Of course, that's just my opinionStephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-37881003514603805982012-03-07T10:56:11.771-05:002012-03-07T10:56:11.771-05:00I like the sense of humour of the author, and if t...I like the sense of humour of the author, and if the novel also has it, then it might be enjoyable to read even if the storyline line is just average. It isn't clear, at least for me, why it's importnat that Mae Clark has been alive for six months after been created in a test tube .. because she is already alive for 19 years. Best wishes with the novel.G.M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02652216131823877445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-87511635809817414962012-03-07T10:52:38.519-05:002012-03-07T10:52:38.519-05:00Ha. I laughed at the first paragraph, but it was m...Ha. I laughed at the first paragraph, but it was more of a groan. On a second read, it sounds like a weird kind of reverse-egoism. I like the other instances of humor much better; they seem to be in better taste.<br /><br />This seems like it has great potential to be a)hilarious and b)a good story. But first the author should put in some more commas and periods, lol, because right now the grammar/sentence structure is getting in the way of understanding the plot.Laura W.http://lauraplusthevoices.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-92200569499701332222012-03-07T10:22:36.346-05:002012-03-07T10:22:36.346-05:00The first sentence Jessica comments on would impro...The first sentence Jessica comments on would improve if it did not have both the "after being" phrase and the "having been" phrase. It's just too much.<br /><br />The first sentence of the next paragraph ("All three are destined to meet . . .") is actually two sentences. It needs a period, semicolon, or even a dash after the closing parenthesis -- except that either of those options will look bad.<br /><br />I would personally worry that your whole manuscript reads like that.Jeff Carneyhttp://www.jeffcarney.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-69576204197891030722012-03-07T10:18:28.346-05:002012-03-07T10:18:28.346-05:00I feel like this story would be brilliant if it we...I feel like this story would be brilliant if it were described slightly better. The introduction is so confusing and tongue twisting it's off putting, but yes I have to totally agree that the humour of it all is infectious. I want to know more about the author, which is a good sign I think, and I really want the premise of the book to be clearer and punchier. Probably a little too wordy to catch my eye,<br /><br />Sam<br />xScumbag Samhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04171932804219940931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-81100148149420599922012-03-07T09:59:28.553-05:002012-03-07T09:59:28.553-05:00This writer has a really nice humor voice, reminis...This writer has a really nice humor voice, reminiscent of some of the great British comedic writers like Terry Pratchett. But they need to keep the story clear -- lines like 'trying to avoid everyone and who everyone tries to avoid' only confuse a speed-reading agent, and what are non-scientists?<br /><br />Good luck, writer!E.Mareehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17283073495361530535noreply@blogger.com