tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post632540736491450074..comments2023-11-02T06:57:11.400-04:00Comments on BookEnds Literary Agency: Workshop WednesdayBookEnds, A Literary Agencyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06287278822065839469noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-61724398127217392452011-04-14T06:33:24.856-04:002011-04-14T06:33:24.856-04:00I suggest getting an editor to work on grammar, pu...<i>I suggest getting an editor to work on grammar, punctuation, and style with you. You can either hire a copyeditor</i><br /><br />Please don't make this suggestion. I'm a freelance copy editor, and I work to improve text - smooth it out, fix grammar problems, flag continuity issues, make sure it flows and is understandable to the intended audience, and all that. <br /><br />I work with text, not writers, though a good writer will look at corrections, say 'I hadn't seen how you could improve the text by doing x, y, and z' and do that in the future. (Just as I'm learning from writers.)<br /><br />Working on a first draft that will probably undergo at least two major revisions before it gets printed - the agent's and the editor's edit - is a waste of time and money; and worse, it might leave the client with the impression that the book is now ready to be published, while the structural and story problems remain unfixed (because you want a substantial editor for that; who then won't fix the prose on sentence level.)<br /><br />And consider the implications for _your_ business: if someone submits a heavily edited manuscript, you accept and sell it, and the writer is asked to make extensive revisions (or to hand in a second book) and they don't have the skills to do that, you'll have a problem on your hands. <br /><br />If a writer needs to improve, they need to improve themselves - with workshops and writing classes and beta readers and just going away, reading advice, and implementing it. Hiring someone to do it is a bandaid, and the story won't end well.<br /><br />Many of my professional colleagues won't work with writers who are in the submission stage. Personally I consider it unethical to take money to feed an unrealistic dream of getting published by throwing money at it: if the text is bad enough to need a professional editor before it can be submitted it's not ready for copy editing.green_knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16499896006012152260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-64430701480570223022011-04-13T22:02:22.698-04:002011-04-13T22:02:22.698-04:00You run a big risk by opening with a scene featuri...You run a big risk by opening with a scene featuring one character if the book is about five. I found it quite jarring because by the end of your introductory scene, I was expecting this to be a detective novel, with one main character. If you've got five parallel storylines going on, it'd probably be better to reconstruct the query to show that.<br /><br />You do show gritty well, but you tell us everything else that is a theme in your novel. Show us through your description of the story.<br /><br />And as others have said, there are a couple cases where you need to watch your tense or pronouns. English allows for some pretty ambiguous constructions, so make sure your pronouns are referring back to the things you thought they were.Kristin Laughtinhttp://kristinlaughtin.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-48306005691848188362011-04-13T21:38:48.148-04:002011-04-13T21:38:48.148-04:00Just curious - how common is it to start a query w...Just curious - how common is it to start a query with the opening paragraphs of the book?m----- h----------https://www.blogger.com/profile/10816424995465508297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-66980242335595546422011-04-13T17:32:48.576-04:002011-04-13T17:32:48.576-04:00"After a two-hour investigation into the blud..."After a two-hour investigation into the bludgeoning death of the bum, all that was left of the poor fellow was a blood stained sidewalk. That, too, would be gone tomorrow morning after the cleanup crew washed it down the sewer."<br /><br />I agree with Brian Buckley, I thought the first paragraph was fine. It was a "voice". It was not unclear to me at all, and actually captured my interest.<br /><br />However, the rest of the query fell short, IMHO. Once you've grabbed our attention w/a bloody sidewalk, now tell us what the plot is about. And don't brag about how great or moving the book is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-9559268601402736932011-04-13T16:02:51.633-04:002011-04-13T16:02:51.633-04:00I. Need. A. Plot.
Okay, now for the rest of it. A...I. Need. A. Plot.<br /><br />Okay, now for the rest of it. All that's left of a person CANNOT be a sidewalk, unless the sidewalk was part of the person to begin with. All that was left was a bloodstain ON the sidewalk. <br /><br />However, I agree with the use of the word 'bum' that someone didn't like. If the detective thinks of homeless people as bums, that's what the query should say. If he's the MC, I need to know his story. If all five are MCs, I need to know the overall story. I found it (maybe) summarized in the two last paragraphs, not the body of the query. <br /><br />Sounds like a good book, but some work on the query could make it sound much better. Also, as someone pointed out, this is the length of MG or YA novels. I'm assuming this isn't one.<br /><br />Good luck on rewrites!lenahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07746557642963895489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-55781406364036370762011-04-13T14:01:17.270-04:002011-04-13T14:01:17.270-04:00You spend the last two paragraphs explaining what ...You spend the last two paragraphs explaining what your story is supposed to do. You wouldn't need them if you'd shown it from the beginning. Lots and lots of telling here. <br />I think I understand what you were trying to do. You were trying to capture the tone and essence of the story by telling it through the eyes of just one character instead of all five. But it just left me confused. Is the story about the dark and corrupt lives of those who live on the streets, or is it about a detective that goes around solving crimes?<br /> Without knowing anything about your other characters, I'd guess it's a mixture of both. But I'll never know for sure because the query was so unclear. <br />I think you might need to chuck this draft and start all over.Candace Dietzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12283068642284093602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-6222260679423664532011-04-13T12:43:08.447-04:002011-04-13T12:43:08.447-04:00Yes, I agree with the whole person/sidewalk thing,...Yes, I agree with the whole person/sidewalk thing, I was going to point the same thing.<br /><br />Also, it doesn't read like a query to me. It reads like the opening of the book, which I suppose is an interesting tact to take, but a risky one.<br /><br />I agree it needs to summarize all five people's roles in the story...but wow, five equal characters is a major undertaking and hopefully not hard to follow.<br /><br />Also, I'll add that you should never critique your own work in a query. Don't call your book gritty and deeply moving...let the reader decide that.<br /><br />All that said, if it is written well, it sounds interesting, especially as a holiday tale.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-75427113966988242322011-04-13T11:31:06.227-04:002011-04-13T11:31:06.227-04:00Brian - I think if the author had gone with "...Brian - I think if the author had gone with "bloodstain on a sidewalk" it'd be less confusing. The bum wasn't beaten into becoming a sidewalk. That'd also resolve the cleanup crew washing it away.<br /><br />Beyond grammar, I felt the story itself was bludgeoning me. I get heavy handed, gritty detective pulp. I dig it. But this struck me as trying too hard. But considering I suck at queries, maybe that's the point and I've been missing it all this time.Jason Kenneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00573579599484614908noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-31045272677079241142011-04-13T11:23:20.438-04:002011-04-13T11:23:20.438-04:00I'd think this whole thing is way too long for...I'd think this whole thing is way too long for a query. Shouldn't a writer's hook wrap up in one or two short paragraphs?C.K.Criggerhttp://www.ckcrigger.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-26405956031233395522011-04-13T11:02:09.608-04:002011-04-13T11:02:09.608-04:00My main issue is that this story doesn't sound...My main issue is that this story doesn't sound unique. Grammar issues can be fixed, but I don't know anything about the main character(s) or the life altering incidents. <br /><br />I would begin the query there--show us who these people are and what they care about. What's changed for them? What makes your story different from every other crime mystery out there?<br /><br />I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your work!Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10803630489423453297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-39118427424179242652011-04-13T10:32:01.486-04:002011-04-13T10:32:01.486-04:00Anonymous 9:57: I'll agree with you on the poi...Anonymous 9:57: I'll agree with you on the point about time emphasis in the first sentence. I think it's okay grammatically, but I can see that it's awkward stylistically. Good point.Brian Buckleyhttp://briandbuckley.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-57690168813582155492011-04-13T10:30:00.740-04:002011-04-13T10:30:00.740-04:00Also, the last time I heard someone say "bum&...Also, the last time I heard someone say "bum" to mean a person was in 1987. And he did it in a rant-- "Why aren't we allowed to say 'bum' anymore? Why do we have to say 'homeless person'? They're bums!"<br /><br />So be aware it's a loaded word.<br /><br />But I was really more concerned by the tense changes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-81987260413211414742011-04-13T09:57:07.061-04:002011-04-13T09:57:07.061-04:00In re: the grammar/style issues in "After a t...In re: the grammar/style issues in "After a two-hour investigation into the bludgeoning death of the bum, all that was left of the poor fellow was a blood stained sidewalk. That, too, would be gone tomorrow morning after the cleanup crew washed it down the sewer." <br /><br />The first phrase is something of a dangling something (not quite a participle, but maybe a modifier). You'd expect it to read "after ... investigation, A PERSON did something." or "THE FORENSICS TEAM found something." Something related to the activity of investigating. Otherwise, the "all" appears to be doing the investigation. Plus, there's no logical connection between an investigation and what was left of the corpse. Removing the corpse probably only took a few minutes, once it had been released by whoever approves such things, so the problem is the emphasis on time; it implies that it took two hours to get rid of the body, or that the amount of time spent on the investigation was somehow related to removing the corpse, which I don't think was the author's intent. The two halves of the sentence just don't mesh.<br /><br />Second sentence, as noted, has an ambiguous pronoun -- "that" refers back to the sidewalk, when it was meant to refer back to the blood.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-34093974688668331662011-04-13T09:33:06.153-04:002011-04-13T09:33:06.153-04:00xetheriel: I see your points, but I'm not sure...xetheriel: I see your points, but I'm not sure I agree with them.<br /><br />If the body has been removed (which seems to be the implication), it's legitimate to say that a bloodstained sidewalk is indeed all that's left of the bum, within the context of the current scene.<br /><br />A "bludgeoning death" is a death caused by bludgeoning. A quick Google search confirms this is a pretty common construction, especially in news articles. Granted, news articles are not the gold standard for style or grammar, but it seems to me like a reasonable and understandable phrase.<br /><br />Referring to "the bum" rather than "a bum" also seems reasonable, because the scene is written from the detective's point of view. He is already familiar with this bum. From his point of view, I think the definite article is appropriate.Brian Buckleyhttp://BrianDBuckley.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-55212927688634161642011-04-13T09:16:43.011-04:002011-04-13T09:16:43.011-04:00Brian: It also states that "all that is left ...Brian: It also states that "all that is left of the poor fellow was a blood stained sidewalk."<br /><br />That's one heck of a bludgeoning job.<br /><br />Also, what exactly is a "bludgeoning death"? you could say "...into the bludgeoning of a bum." or "...into the death of a bum.".<br /><br />Also, it refers to "the bum", not "a bum".<br /><br />Did I miss anything?xetherielhttp://twister.dragon-wing.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-11629124721245900462011-04-13T09:05:12.814-04:002011-04-13T09:05:12.814-04:00A friend pointed out one thing I missed - the sent...A friend pointed out one thing I missed - the sentence as written implies the cleanup crew will be washing the sidewalk itself down the sewer. Anything else?Brian Buckleyhttp://BrianDBuckley.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23051453.post-33264877688065568262011-04-13T08:46:05.200-04:002011-04-13T08:46:05.200-04:00"After a two-hour investigation into the blud..."After a two-hour investigation into the bludgeoning death of the bum, all that was left of the poor fellow was a blood stained sidewalk. That, too, would be gone tomorrow morning after the cleanup crew washed it down the sewer."<br /><br />Aside from the fact that "blood stained" should be one word, I'm not seeing any real issues with grammar or punctuation above, and even the style seems okay. Can someone else point out to me what I'm missing?Brian Buckleyhttp://BrianDBuckley.comnoreply@blogger.com