Holiday Critiques #5

Back again...

Here's your link to the post that started it all, the final pitch critiques of 2008. If you're new to the site you might want to read that post so you have a sense of what's going on. For those who have already been following along, let's just get started.

Katherine E. Hazen said...

Lily Gardner is a freak; dyed hair, combat boots, super powers, and all. When she loses control of her powers during a meltdown at the mall the Great Lakes School for Exceptional Young People comes calling. GLS is secretly a haven for the supernatural. What Lily finds there is very little acceptance and a whole lot of rivalry. Her life has never been normal, but now it's complicated by super-powered cat fights; Vincent, her best friend who has complete access to her mind; and a crush on her classmate Reid, the hottest werewolf in school. In a place where everybody else is striving to stand out, Lily just wants to fit in.

My assumption is that this is YA which, if it is, is a great thing. It means that you've gotten across through a pitch, without telling me directly, who the audience for your book is. Watch your second sentence, it's definitely a run-on and difficult to read. I believe you need a comma in there. You might want to make the super powers stand out a little more in the first sentence by saying something like, "People think Lily Gardner is a freak because of her dyed hair and combat boots, what they don't realize is that what really makes her freaky are the super powers she can't seem to control.  When she loses control during a breakdown at the mall it's the Great Lakes School for Exceptional Young People who come calling and make her realize maybe she isn't as freaky as she thought." Other then those small things which I think tighten and exciten (yes I made that up) things up a bit, this pitch is really great and the book sounds fabulous.

Minnie said...

Cooper Wilson's life is in the tank. Not only is he the shortest kid in 8th grade, he's also the smartest. He's dying to play for the varsity basketball team, but the ones who want him belong to the math team. Throw in the fact that him mom is beginning to sub at his school, "so they can stay close," and you've just begun to peek inside Cooper's misery.

Before going into my critique I should clarify that this is far outside of my realm. YA I can do, but middle grade is a little tougher for me. I think that as a pitch this is strong and so is your writing. My concern would be that the book itself doesn't sound that different to me then the books I read as a child, which could be a problem. The hook seems rather blase, and not that different. Great pitch though.

Robena Grant said...

Gone Tropical follows the journey of two Americans through the rainforest at the northern-most tip of Australia. Written in the vein of Romancing the Stone, it asks the story question: "What if a psychologist--determined to find her ex-husband who embezzled millions from her estranged father's business--pits her wits against the skill of a solitary skip-tracer hired by her father, and finds instead that joining forces in the adventure means more than revenge?"

Gone Tropical is a completed 90,000word romantic adventure.

You are telling and not showing here and you've taken what I assume has the potential to be a very fun book and turned it into a very boring pitch. Your main focus here seems to be on the setting when, especially if you're calling this an adventure, it should be on the adventure. I also really, really implore you all to avoid questions as much as possible. A question doesn't tell you anything about a book. Let's put it his way, if a friend was telling you about a book she just read and loved and wanted to get you to read it would it work for you if she said, "Imagine a little boy living under the stairs who suddenly gets to go to wizard school?" Would that really work? I think you're much better off saying something like, "When Rosemary Van Rose learns that her ex-husband has embezzled millions..."

Lehcarjt said...

Nicole Devaney has a relaxation problem – as in she can’t. Not when she’s the only Keener Hotel Group employee who knows someone is using the Keener/Devaney family-run business for kickbacks and blackmail. Not when logic says that the person is her beloved stepfather, George Keener. Not when a quick hunt through his office ups the likelihood of his guilt and gets her caught by a curious, but helpful, knight dressed for battle (Italian wool suit – jacket missing and shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows). Jed Pruitt hasn’t arrived to solve Nicole’s problems, but to ‘clean up’ the financially floundering hotel company. He doesn’t realize his business partner landed the consulting job by offering a kickback to George Keener.

Fall a Little Farther is a 100,000 word romantic comedy about an intense, perfectionistic, and slightly klutzy accountant who must save her step-father, the hotel company, and the consultants from first - the Yakuza (mafia of Japan) and second - each other (which proves to be the more difficult). Relaxation is out of the question.

I really, really like this opening paragraph. I think your voice comes through beautifully and I love that first line, it made me smile. Watch the use of Keener Group, Keener/Devaney, I'm not sure both of them are necessary in the pitch and it bogs things down. When reading a pitch I want to be able to read quickly and easily without being slowed down. This slowed me down. I think it would be enough to say Keener Hotel Group and later just family run business. This is an example where two paragraphs work. The first paragraph is clearly the pitch paragraph, the second is just a wrap-up and explains the title, genre, etc and gives a tag line. This paragraph could be done either before or after the pitch. I think you did a great job here.

JT said...

Don Amberly is Bloodborn, destined to become a vampire. Running isn’t a choice and the local werewolf pack refuses to grant protection, so he does the only thing left to avoid his fate, he hunts those who would have him undead.

I like this. I think it's a smooth, clean pitch. I am however concerned that it doesn't say quite enough. Vampires are a tough sell these days and because of that you really do need to sell your story on it's own. I think this is a good start, but I'd like to know a little bit more about his hunting of the undead and how this book differs from other similar books.