Query Critique: Fantasy

I agree that the material in this email can be posted and critiqued on the BookEnds Literary Agency blog. I give permission for it to be archived for the life of the blog.

Dear Query Queen:

Sworn off family in-fighting and rivalries, Apollo has spent the last decade in Portland, Maine, incarnated as research scientist Dr. Paul Archer.  Family’s not the only thing Apollo’s sworn off — he’s also done with women (of the mortal ilk), and most of all, Pantheon, a chess-like game the gods play with human lives.  So when Venus drops by unannounced, demanding that Apollo repay a debt dating back to the Trojan War by helping her pull off a move in the game, Apollo’s intention is to execute the move, wipe the slate clean, and get right back to work in the lab.   

What Apollo doesn’t expect is how much the pawn, college senior Theresa DiPaulo reminds him of his late mother Leto.  Or how Theresa’s implication in the game revives his long-buried feelings of guilt and failure stemming from Leto’s deicide at the hands of his stepmother — in the very round of Pantheon in which he came into Venus’s debt.  Nor does he expect how compelled he feels to intervene to save Theresa from the same fate.  As the game unfolds, and the parallels to that long-ago round of Pantheon mount up, Apollo gets sucked deeper and deeper in, until he can no longer run from the intrafamilial conflict he left behind when he abdicated Olympus and took refuge DownEast.  Apollo’s got a plan — if only Theresa would open up and let him in, if only she’d stop trying to protect him, if only she loved him back, pulling it off would be so much easier.

I am seeking representation of Playing God, a contemporary fantasy with a romance component, complete at 125,000 words.Playing God picks up where mythology leaves off, bringing the petty and not-so-petty grievances of the gods, their slights and affairs and ambitions, to play out in the modern world.  Zeus, Hera, Ares, Artemis and Mercury all engage, playing for the fate of not just Theresa, but the world.  While Playing God stands alone, I envision it as the first in a series about the Pantheon games, and I have a draft of the next episode.  

I am an attorney (Harvard Law School), real estate broker, and proud alum of Bowdoin College in Brunswick, ME, the prototype for the college Theresa attends, and where much of my novel is based.

As directed by your website, I am including the first few pages of my manuscript below.  I’d be happy to send you the manuscript upon request.  I appreciate your consideration, and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely, 

[redacted]

You should know that this is typically not my type of story. I like fantasy, but tend not to gravitate toward stories this closely set in mythology. For that reason I would pass on this. I'm only telling you this to give you an idea of how truly subjective this business can be.

That being said, I think this is a strong query. I really only made edits to tighten this.

Congrats!

--jhf

Query Critique: Nonfiction

I agree that the material in this email can be posted and critiqued on the BookEnds Literary Agency blog. I give permission for it to be archived for the life of the blog.

Greetings Query Queen:

Everyday parenting is demanding enough, but expecting parental perfection is the curse of our age. As a grandmother, I have seen way too many households ruled by small despots, with parents scurrying to clear the path for the mini-monarchs. Really? I wonder. Could this be doing anyone any good? 

            Grandma Has Seen It All, and She Suggests That You Avert Your Eyes gives moms and dads the support and tools they need to enjoy a more balanced, productive, and fun parenthood. The tone is calm, authoritative, and light. I haunt mommy blogs and toy-strewn playrooms, and load up my pocketbook with nuggets of wisdom from the best current research. The book will be 250 -300 pages.

            Some background: my book, [redacted], was quoted on the front page of the New York Times, and Time magazine, and sparked a family meals movement. Since becoming a grandmother (I now have four grandchildren.) For years, I have written a family meals blog for the [redacted] Company. I have written a blog about grandparenting for [redacted]. And I have my own grandmother blog. Now I want to help the beleaguered parents I have seen in my recent time on the playground. Many of them could do with the hugs and forgiveness and dignity that they lavish on their children.

            Today’s parents wistfully recall the freedom they enjoyed as youngsters, but insist that the world is now too dangerous to let their kids out of their sight, despite all evidence to the contrary. Child abduction? Recent research from the University of New Hampshire shows that children taken by strangers or slight acquaintances represent only one-hundredth of one percent of all missing children. We turn our worry that our kids won’t get into college or get good jobs into straight jackets for them and for us.  And our culture of competitive, fear-centric parenting doesn’t help. Today’s families are smaller, with older parents who are unlikely to have experience taking care of kids other than their own. We are facing a famine of common sense. Somebody has to call “Time!”

            I trace the beginnings of our current “priceless child” mentality to the end of the 19^th century, and help parents to move themselves, and their families, out of the path of this anxiety juggernaut. The bonus is that our kids are more likely to grow up to be responsible, optimistic, capable, fun-loving adults.

            Important books about the meaning of parenting draw wide audiences and spark intense conversations across the culture. Many of the recent popular books have been written not by parenting experts, but by journalists like myself. This book, which questions current assumptions and gives parents more satisfying options, has the potential to be such a book. 

            More background: an earlier book, [redacted], won the National Jewish Book Award, was on the Boston Globe bestseller list, and was translated into German, French, and Dutch.

 Many thanks,

Miriam Weinstein

I have to say. This is a really strong query.

I love that you started out with "Greetings" instead of the typical "Dear". While it's not that big of a deal I think it opens the book in a friendly, cheerful way and I think it really represents your voice and tone.

Your first paragraph grabbed me and hooked me in. I'm not a fan of rhetorical questions, but it works here.

I don't love your title. It just doesn't grab me, but that can easily be fixed. By the way, I only thing titles can be easily fixed if the rest of the query is working for me.

It's smart to open with your credits which are quite impressive. What would add to this would be numbers. When writing nonfiction, we want to know who your audience is and how big they are. We don't need numbers on everything, but generally that you're reaching 10,000 people a week would be hugely helpful. This is almost required. Mommy bloggers were huge a few years ago, but the ones who sold books had not just a great voice and idea, but a huge following.

My only concern with the next paragraph is that it feels very specific and a little judgmental. Not the tone any parent wants, especially from a grandparent. I wonder if you can't blend the next two paragraphs, discuss some of the specific issues you will be addressing, but also talk about tracing the "priceless child" trend.

I think you have a good idea here and I won't be surprised if you get lots of requests on this.

--jhf

Why Query Rules are Important

If you follow me on Twitter you'll see that lately I've been doing a lot of complaining about people not following query guidelines. I'm not sure if there are some new rules out there that I'm not aware of, or if people are just spending the summer querying without doing proper research.

I've written endlessly about what makes a good query. What I don't think I've ever done is written about why there are query rules.

An agent's query inbox can be daunting. Moe just confessed to me that in two months at BookEnds she has received 1500 queries. That's, well, insane. When facing any challenge like that I think we can all agree that we set up perimeters to thin things out. It's like organizing your home. The first thing you're going to do is throw away anything that's broken. Then you might throw away anything you haven't used in years, etc, etc. A query inbox is the same.

The first thing an agent will likely do is look at the genre. If it's far outside of what the agent does she'll reject it. For me that would include short stories, children's picture books, techno-thrillers and screenplays. I don't do those, it's unlikely you'll sway me on that.

The next thing an agent will do is read the blurb. This is why you need a blurb. I need to know in a few short paragraphs if the book is what I do. Sure its a thriller, and I do those, but is it on a subject I'm interested in? Does it grab my attention? That will help me weed those out. 

Then I'm willing to read more. Once I've weeded things out I can really get to work. That's the point where I'll start looking at chapters and a synopsis. Not before. At that point I have my short list and a good idea whether or not these projects are right for me. Now I can devote time away from clients and other BookEnds duties to build my client list.

Not following the guidelines makes it more difficult for me to quickly evaluate and make decisions on things, other than what you might be like as an author. 

If you feel like sending me a paragraph about yourself and how you have dreams of writing the book and instead of a blurb have simply pasted the synopsis below I'm going to think you're someone who thinks you're above the rules. That's going to make it hard to work together and, likely, not someone I want to work with.

No matter how you spin it, we make decisions based on your query, not following the rules (or even attempting to follow the rules) gives us an immediate impression of what life would be like with you.

--jhf

Query Critique: Cozy Mystery

I agree that the material in this email can be posted and critiqued on the Bookends Literary Agency blog. I give permission for it to be archived for the life of the blog.

Dear Query Queen,

Wildlife carer Madison Starr is in trouble. She’s back in Australia after her father’s death with one goal: to sell the family home and leave forever. But thanks to her big mouth her plan is in tatters. When Jaylee Olsen, the local realtor, offers to buy the perfectly situated property herself.  Madison lets an old grudge speak for her and refuses to sell to her childhood nemesis. Their confrontation is watched by most of the small town. Hours later Madison is horrified to find Jaylee dead on her doorstep.

I did not like the word "carer" this is super picky and a little ridiculous (no query is judged on one word), but I had to read it twice since I thought you misspelled career. Caretaker?

My only suggestion is maybe to tighten this a bit.  

Branded the number one suspect Madison is forced to surrender her passport, killing any chance of heading back to her carefully constructed life in America. She has no option but to hunt down the killer and clear her name. Her best friend from high school, along with her old teen crush, now a forensic expert, reluctantly help her delve into Jaylee’s life.

Collecting a kleptomaniac dog, assorted puppies and an orphaned ring-tailed possum along the way, Madison and her friends discover she’s not the only one who considered Jaylee their nemesis.

DEAD IS FUR-EVER is a 72,000 word, third-person cozy set in Australia. I hope to feature Madison Starr in a continuing series (The Pet Shop Mysteries - featuring a mix of Aussie wildlife and rescued domestic animals, each with their own quirky personality) and am currently working on a sequel.

I’m an environmental scientist and have lectured in wildlife caring as well as being a carer myself. I am a member and active participant of Romance Writers of Australia and Sisters in Crime Australia. This series has interest and a request from an editor of Penguin Australia but is not yet submitted.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards

[Redacted]

Honestly. I think this is a really solid query. My only concern is that your hook, which is vital to cozy mysteries, is buried at the end and doesn't appear in the blurb at all. 

In cozy mysteries, the hook is what initially sells the book. What makes your book stand out from every other book on the market? What will the publisher put on the cover? A gorgeous home with books out front? A lighthouse? A knitting shop? etc. 

For the cozy market I think this would be stronger if the reason she needed to return to Australia had to do more with the hook. Perhaps she's selling her father's shop of some sort. 

I love that it's set in Australia, but it might make it a more difficult sell, especially if your hook is more or less anywhere. What about a hook that's more unique to Australia? 

Lastly, on a beyond-the-query note, I think you should consider a hook that stands out a little more. A pet shop has been done. Is there something that hasn't been done yet? 

This is great overall.

--jhf

Query Don'ts: Putting a Stop to This Latest Query Trend

There's a new query trend out there, one that isn't helping authors at all, but is driving me crazy.

Here is how the query goes:

Dear Ms. Faust, After seeing on #MSWL that you've been looking for books set in Alaska I knew I had to query you. My book is called Alaskan Cool Guy. The book is about a guy who finds himself alone in the Alaskan Bush after a freak snowstorm downs his plane. Everyone dies. It's truly horrific. Now he must get out all by himself, with only a scissors and an old seat cover as a jacket. ****please note I made up this horrible blurb on purpose --jhf

I have included a brief synopsis and bio below. I hope you like it enough to ask for more. Many thanks,Jessica Author Brief Synopsis: When Frank Franklin's plane crashes in the Alaskan Bush in the middle of Winter, this self-described Whiz Kid finds himself in a situation he never imagined. Lost in a country few could survive with only the remnants of a broken plane for tools, Frank sets out to face what the wild throws at him. At first he's fighting only Mother Nature, but after finding the dead body of what looks like a hunter, Frank starts to wonder if the Grizzlies aren't the least of his concerns. Finally he makes it to safety, changed for the better.

Jessica Author has been writing since she was 12. It's been a dream of hers to be published. Born in Alaska, she has a strong desire to bring this beautiful country to life for readers.

Jessica FaustAddressPhone Email

Okay, here's the problem, besides the fact that your synopsis isn't very good, it's buried. Why would you include the blurb for your book after your letter? I'm already done reading. It's like sending a cover letter and saying, "P.S. Here are the skills that make me best suited for the job"

Query letters should look something like this:

Opening introductory paragraph

Blurb

Author bio

Closing

That's it. Don't over complicate it.

I've done a ton of blog posts on how to write a proper query letter. Query Shark is an excellent source of information. Use them.

--jhf

The Return of Query Critiques

I've been remiss in doing critiques. Primarily because, well, they aren't that much fun for me. That being said, I've noticed a definite need for them in my inbox and have been asked by a few of you if I'll continue them. I'm continuing them.

Watch for more critiques throughout the rest of summer. I'll be going through those in my inbox. Keep in mind, if you've submitted in a genre I'm not necessarily comfortable with I will probably skip over your query (unless I can convince some of the other BookEnds gals to take it on).

Read on!

--jhf

How One Word Can Impact the Strength of Your Query

When coaching my assistants and other agents on how to approach editors I've always been very particular about word choice. The word "just" has been a pet peeve of mine for a number of years. It's a word I've consciously worked to remove from my vocabulary and a word I've encouraged my team to drop.

Imagine my surprise when I came across this article written about Ellen Petry Leanse and her distaste for the word "just".

I agree with everything she says. Using "just" takes away our power. We're no longer marching into someone's office to tell them we've got something they have to read. We're now slinking in to ask meekly if they think it's worth reading and, frankly, giving them permission to reject it rather than telling them they'd be making a mistake by not reading it.

We are word people, it's our job to embrace the power a single word might have and use it to our advantage. Take a look at some examples of publishing correspondence with or without the word "just." You tell me which is stronger.

Dear Editor:
I'd like to ask if you have just a few minutes to discuss my very important concerns regarding these edits.

Dear Editor:
I'd like set up some time to discuss my very important concerns regarding these edits.

Queries:

I am writing to tell you about the terrific new thriller I've written.
I am just writing to tell you about the terrific new thriller I've written. 

Submissions:

I'm following up on the submission I sent back in January.
I'm just following up on the submission I sent in January. 

Take a look at your query, at all the professional correspondence you have written. Let's work together to eliminate just from our professional vocabulary.

--jhf

Query Right or Expect Rejection

I'm not sure what's going on out there or on what list my name has been placed, but the queries I've been receiving lately are absolutely horrible. I'm not talking about the books that are being queried, but the queries themselves.

For some reason no one wants to write a blurb, feeling instead that cutting and pasting a 2-5 page synopsis is a better idea. I'm getting details about the writer's path to writing (I don't care that you started at 13 or how old you are now). I'm even getting details of the person's family life.

Queries are really very simple. Just as simple as a cover letter. I need you title, your genre, your word count and I need a brief 2-3 paragraph blurb about your book. Essentially the back cover copy for your book.

If you can't put that together I am going to immediately figure that you couldn't write the book either or are too lazy to do the many rounds of revisions you'll likely need prior to publication.

The only thing these poor queries do are irritate me and make it easier for me to empty out my inbox.

--jhf 

Passing a Submission to Another Agent

The other day I read a submission that I thought was really strong and had great potential. However, given my already busy client list I didn't think I was going to be the best agent for the project. This book needed someone who could be truly passionate about it, who had a love for the genre and who had the time and desire to really work with the author on the project. Instead of just passing however, I passed it on to another agent at BookEnds. Someone who fit every one of the criteria I thought the book needed.

When I do something like this I often wonder what the author will think. Does the author later think less of the offer she receives because it isn't the agent she submitted to, although it is the agency? or Does the author think this is a great opportunity because her project definitely landed in the right hands?

As we see when we receive responses to rejections, every author is different. Some will be offended that the agent they first submitted to didn't want it in the first place and others will be elated that the agency as a whole felt so strongly about the book.

Like everyone else, an agent only has a finite number of hours in the day and can only represent so many clients and give them the attention she feels they deserve. When reviewing submissions, we at BookEnds are reviewing for ourselves first and the agency second. We all work very closely together and that doesn't just mean bouncing ideas off each other, it means working hard to get as many great books published as we can, and helping each other build a strong career as an agent.

When we pass a project on to another agent within BookEnds it doesn't mean we didn't think it was great and are tossing our trash onto someone else's pile. In fact, it's the complete opposite, we think the book has some real potential and were excited about its possibilities, but feel it needs to be with the right agent, not any agent.

I'm going to pre-empt some questions here and say that we don't always pass everything on so if you feel there are two agents at BookEnds who might be right for your book feel free to query them both. Never at the same time, but if the first passes there's no reason you can't try the second. Just don't tell anyone else I said that. ;)

--jhf

The Summer Slowdown & A Submission Update

Summer is killer for me. It feels like I'm constantly running around trying to get things done, but never actually able to get things done. Vacations and the general "slow-down of summer" can be partially to blame for this. Naturally a lot of people vacation in the summer and because of that it always seems like it takes days instead of just a day or two to get the answers you want. 

In addition to summer vacations however, there are summer conferences. RWA and Thrillerfest are the two biggies that I'll be attending. I'm excited to go to both and will have a lot to celebrate at both, but there's also no doubt that they're exhausting and time consuming. 

The weirdest part of all of this is that because of all the running around I'll be doing this summer I'll be less likely to get to submissions in a timely manner however because of all the running around I'll also be getting a lot more submissions. 

If it weren't for a recent Kindle glitch, I'd be reading more submissions, but that's not helping things either. 

So, I'm caught up on all queries through the end of June. I'm caught up on all requested submissions through (gulp) the end of March. If you sent something that should have been answered by now please feel free to resend. If you sent material or a query in the time periods that I have not yet gotten to I thank you for your patience.

--jhf 

Best Sources When Searching for an Agent

I'm often asked where an author can find out the information she needs when querying agents. Who are the best agents in her genre? What are they looking for now? What are the submission guidelines and how to know if they're reputable?

I usually tell them that a subscription to Publishers Marketplace is worth its weight in gold and that you can't go wrong with websites like AbsoluteWrite and QueryTracker, both of which rely on the reporting of other authors. A great way to learn the nitty-gritty of what agents are doing. Beyond that however, I was feeling a little out of touch. Where were authors going these days to find agents. So I asked Twitter. My source in all things (okay, most things).

nickipaupreto @BookEndsJessica Agent Spotlight by @Casey_McCormick is an incredible resource! http://www.literaryrambles.com/2009/03/introducingagent-spotlight.html 5/27/15, 11:19 AM

Agreed! You weren't kidding. The information on this website is exhaustive and some of the best of the best are on that list. I would recommend the site for those querying even beyond children's books. Some of those agents crossover. It's also a great way to get a feel for different agents, their tastes, and their thoughts on publishing and, maybe, life.

nelizadrew @BookEndsJessica I just used Google. A lot of Google. A lot of poking around on agency websites. #thehardway 5/27/15, 11:20 AM

I actually don't think you went about it the hard way at all. I think you should have tagged this #thesmartway. Sure it wasn't someone else's easy to find list, but you ensured that the information you were getting was always the most reliable and, hopefully, the most updated. No matter where you're getting your information always, always back up what you have by going to the agent's website. It should be your final stop.

LauraRueckert @BookEndsJessica Literary Rambles, Query Tracker, Publisher's Marketplace, acknowledgements of similar books 5/27/15, 11:24 AM

Score #2 for Literary Rambles. However, what grabbed me here was the acknowledgements. It's something I've often suggested to writers and it's a great idea. Start your list now. Whenever you read a book check the acknowledgements (its actually the first thing I always do) and write down the names of the agents. It's a great starting point.

ChristineRnold @BookEndsJessica Query Tracker + agency websites & stalking #MSWL ;-) 5/27/15, 11:36 AM

Oh my goodness! How did I forget #MSWL? I love #MSWL and it's one of the first things I told Moe to do when she started at BookEnds. Get on that I said. For those unfamiliar with Twitter this is a hashtag used when editors and agents post the kinds of manuscripts they'd like to see. There's also a handy #MSWL website for those who aren't Tweeters.

betty_days @BookEndsJessica @MandyHubbard Twitter's recommendations of who I should follow. I click on the profile and check out the agency from there. 5/27/15, 11:54 AM

betty_days @BookEndsJessica @MandyHubbard It's a slow process. I do 20-30min of research/day. That way, when my MS is ready, I'm good to query, 5/27/15, 12:01 PM

Betty_Days had some of the most interesting ideas. I think checking out Twitter recommendations is a great start, but please remember that there are a lot of agents who aren't on Twitter, or any social media. What I liked most is her comment about it being a slow process. It is and it should be. Part of your job of being an author is this research and waiting until you've written the book to start researching is going to make it a long and arduous process. Instead commit some time each day to stay in touch with the business. Research, make lists, make charts, and then, when it's time to submit, do a quick check and send those queries out.

Other great suggestions including organizations like RWA, MWA or SCBWI. But if you're just starting to think about agents this is a great place to go.

Query Critique: YA Thriller

Jessica-

Thank you so much for offering to critique queries on your blog. I don't mind brutal honesty a bit. I understand that you will receive many query letters and that mine might not get picked. 

Best regards,

[redacted]

"I agree that the material in this email can be posted and critiqued on the BookEnds Literary Agency blog. I give permission for it to be archived for the life of the blog."

Dear Ms. Agent,

When [I think it would be helpful to include her age here so we know right off the top it's YA] Sasha’s [could you just say Sasha and Raj's so we can tighten?] jewel-thief father dies before completing the greatest heist of his career, she and her brother, Raj, they vow to steal a  the priceless sapphire for him in his memory. Her father had meticulously planned the heist to every detail. As long as they stick to his notes, nothing should go wrong . . . but of course everything does.  I think it's obvious everything is going to go wrong, but keep us hanging on that a little. It builds suspense and I'll want that in the book too.

Sasha and Raj discover the safe open and the sapphire already gone. Even worse, the owner’s teenage daughter lies unconscious in a pool of blood. Moments later the police arrive, and Raj believes he and Sasha have been set-up. They manage to escape, but not before being spotted by guests at a party next door. When the theft hits the news, Sasha learns her father’s darkest secret.

He stole more than jewels. He stole Sasha as well. And here's where you lose me. Suddenly this feels like two different books. I was super intrigued by two kids who were completing their dad's jewel heist. I pictured a YA Italian Job in my head. And then all of a sudden it becomes a story about an abducted child which interests me as well, but doesn't feel like it's necessarily the same book.

The girl accused of the crime, Avery, is a sister Sasha can’t remember. The newspapers tell a startling tale of Avery’s past: her identical twin was abducted from a playground in London. Since the party guests are certain they saw Avery flee the apartment building on the night in question, Sasha must unravel the tangled knots of their father’s past to win her sister’s freedom. If she can find the link between the missing jewel and whoever set them up, then perhaps she can find the sapphire and clear her sister’s name. And, most important of all, reunite with the twin she hasn’t seen in fourteen years. You start to lose me here too. Why would Sasha suddenly care about Avery? And why is Avery accused? Suddenly your query has me asking a lot of questions about the book and to me it feels like the book itself isn't working. I'm not saying that both aspects can't be in the book, I'm just saying that to me it doesn't feel like they're working. They don't feel cohesive.

My YA Thriller VANISHED is complete at 78,000 words. I envision this title as the first in a two-book series. I am working on the second book now.

Recently, I was fortunate enough to hear Ally Carter, author of the HEIST SOCIETY books, speak at a local library on her book tour. She mentioned that most of her readers are Middle School students. I believe VANISHED will appeal to readers who devoured Ms. Carter’s books in Middle School and are looking for something geared to a slightly older audience.  I'm not sure you need this. It's sort of interesting so it can't hurt, but most agents/editors will know who the YA audience is and will hope you know it too.

In your interview with Kirkus Review you mentioned an interest in YA novels about siblings. I hope you will enjoy meeting Sasha and Raj. Below is the first ten pages of VANISHED. This is good. Show that you've done your research. Obviously you can't do this for every agent you query, but it does help when you can.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[redacted]

[phone number redacted]

@[redacted]

[redacted]@yahoo.com