Anonymous 10:59am -- Secondary Targets
MCAS Cherry Point
To say that General Michael Hendricks’ days were numbered was not necessarily accurate. Hours--maybe. Seconds--probably. Days--doubtful.
Midnight had crept upon him in silence, bringing with it no viable solutions. A small desk lamp cast a faint glow over his worry-ridden face.
Damn. How could I have been so careless? The words poured over him like a scalding hot shower. Reality had barged it’s way in, pulled up a chair and sat down.
There was nothing left. No time. No solutions. No easy or quick fixes. And certainly not a smidgeon of luck.
The voice is everything for me with these words. I like the quick, sharp prose and the feeling of helplessness we see in the character. I also like the military side of this, that intrigues me and makes me wonder where this is going.
Ray -- Untitled
Jake Black stretched in his car seat and imagined the suspected terrorist charging out of the house across the street, AK 47 spewing bullets. Anything to break up the boredom--in Jake's business, drowsy equaled dead.
His cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He flicked it open--damn, he'd made it clear that his daughter's nanny was never to call him on the job.
Gretchen's whisper shook. "Your wife--she's here."
"I don't know. The doorbell rang, and there she was."
Dear God. "Does she have Amy?"
"I tried to stop her, Mr. Black, I tried."
I love the idea of a stakeout or a sting operation, so already I’m interested in this, but when you throw in the possibility of this man’s family getting caught in the middle you have my attention. That’s a twist you rarely see in something like this and definitely has me interested in more.
Anonymous 4:48 pm -- A Shame Too Great
Nolan Spencer witnessed his first murder when he was eight. He wasn’t supposed to be skulking in the dark crevices of an alleyway, he was supposed to be carrying out the deed. Initiation. Was the killing of the naked lady, sprawled listlessly in the snow covered street, a part of this initiation? Nolan nibbled on his frozen knuckles and pictured his buddies huddled together in conspiracy. They were tucked safely away in the abandoned basement of the Iron Works. Be brave, he thought, this is what it’s all about. The killer turned and locked eyes with the boy.
I liked the unique POV here. Here’s a young kid that’s bound to get into all sorts of trouble in the coming years, if he’s getting mixed up with a gang. But that whole mess hasn’t even started and already he finds himself in a dangerous situation that presumably isn’t even linked to the unsavory characters he’s been hanging out with. I’m rooting for the kid: hoping he doesn’t get killed for what he’s just witnessed, and wishing the whole situation will scare him straight!
Claire -- Untitled
I had an uncanny knack for finding the kind of people who usually didn’t want to be found. Sam Weber had been no different, except that when I found her she was dead. I should never have broken my own protocol and taken the job. When I started seeing orange I ought to have trusted my instincts and quit.
“You came then.”
Harvey Lee Reynolds. Brother of the deceased and philandering ass hole.
“What‘s that supposed to mean?”
I felt naked without my gun. It had seemed right not to bring it to the funeral, now it just felt foolish.
I just really liked the voice from the first sentence. Why hadn’t Sam wanted to be found and how did she end up dead? The best part of the excerpt, however, is the last line. The reader’s led to believe this Harvey guy is just some obnoxious boob, but all of the sudden the narrator thinks he should have his gun on him. Are there going to be two dead bodies at this funeral? Great setup.
That does it for the thriller/suspense category! The contest is winding down. You’ve all done a terrific job so far. We’re really enjoying this!